Saturday, May 8, 2021

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FDA Says Covid Vaccine Won’t Protect You From Getting Shitty Haircuts

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The CDC recommends that every every American adult get the COVID-19 vaccine unless they have an underlying condition that could cause serious harm from taking it. The Food and Drug Administration has approved three vaccines for use in the United States, however during a quarterly press conference today, the FDA said no vaccine can “stop someone from making one of the worst hair-related decisions” they could make.

“While it is true that the FDA has approved three covid vaccines, and we want every adult who can safely take one to do just that,” FDA deputy media liaison Dr. Kathy Tungley warned, “we must caution you. A covid vaccine isn’t a license to carry on as if there are no consequences. You can still make bad choices after you’re vaccinated, and none of the vaccines will stop someone from making one of the worst hair-related decisions in their natural lives.”

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In particular, Tungley says that people should be wary about mullets, a hairstyle that displays shorter hair in the front of one’s head, while the back of the hair is left to grow long and flowing. Mullets were made popular in the 1970’s and 1980’s. Tungley noted that “nobody has ever done anything worthwhile while sporting a mullet,” but that several people had “become absolute legends” once they got rid of theirs.

“Let’s put it this way, look at Ted Cruz’s hair cut right now. It’s all ‘corporate retreat’ in the front, and ‘lynching party’ in the back,” Tungley explained, “and when was the last time Ted Cruz did anything that benefited anybody? Unfortunately, this also probably means the vaccine won’t prevent douchebaggery.”

Dr. Tungley warned Americans in general not to eschew the vaccine just so they can keep their mullets. Tungley said there is “no greater indicator that something is very wrong inside you” than a mullet.

“Mullets are absolutely filthy. They are, as everyone knows, the most disgusting hairstyle ever invented,” Tungley reiterated. “They should be avoided at all costs. If you or someone you know has or is considering getting a mullet haircut, please seek medical and psychiatric attention immediately.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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