U.S. President Donald J. Trump made headlines and raised a serious number of eyebrows when he implied that American bombs could possibly target 52 places of cultural and historical importance as part of the U.S. response to any Iranian retaliation for the killing of Qasem Soleimani. The threats came via Twitter. Many were quick to point out that such threats, if carried out, would constitute direct violations of international law, and in effect be war crimes.
Trump’s tweets came in over the weekend, hours after he ordered the drone strike execution of Soleimani, one of Iran’s most highly-ranking military leaders. Though many in the west long held him as a terrorist, none had felt that killing Soleimani could be justified when compared to the potential carnage that could ensue from a war with Iran. With his Twitter account, Trump threatened 52 sites, saying they would represent the 52 American hostages that Iran took several decades ago, and said he’d bomb the “high level” sites because of their significance to “Iranian culture.” The bombings would be, according to Trump, “HIT VERY FAST AND VERY HARD.”
First Daughter-lover Ivanka Trump tried to assuage some fears of escalating hostilities leading to war when she told reporters that “Daddy’s always talking about doing stuff very fast and very hard,” but that in her experience, it’s “only ever the very fast part.”
Though Iran has already retaliated by launching a missile strike on an army base in Iraq where U.S. soldiers are housed, and President Trump has already confidently announced to the world that it appears that Iran is backing down, a new letter was circulated from Iranian officials naming three potential places they would seek retribution for any cultural targets Trump ordered eliminated.
“It is not our wish to destroy any targets of cultural value in any conflict that may arise between our two nations,” a letter from the Iranian government reads. “However, if President Donald Trump orders our culturally significant sites bombed, we will have no choice but to react proportionately. Therefore, we hereby advise Americans that if they live near or around any of these places, that they seek out bomb shelters or perhaps even relocation, should their corrupt and impeached president follow-through with his threats against our sites.”
The first target of American cultural interest would be Chick-Fil-A, Iran announced. Because they feel it would be “hard for certain, doughy, backyard GI Joe commando-types to fight” without their deep fried chicken levels at all-time highs, Iran feels it would be a “double-whammy” to bomb Chick-Fil-A franchises. The hardline Islamic government of Iran did admit that they’d be “sad to see fellow homophobes blown up,” however.
“America’s state militias run on fried foods and Breitbart headlines. We cut off the supply of just one of those,” Iran wrote, “and we have a big shot at cowing them before the fighting even begins. We’d be hitting a culturally important target, but also a strategic one as well.”
Iran would also consider WalMart locations as possible targets of high-cultural value to Americans.
“If there is one thing we know about heartland Americans, they love buying their cheaply produced shit from China while crying out for ‘America First’ policies,” the Iranians said. “Therefore, if we eliminate enough WalMarts, we could cripple their economies and bring great sadness to them. Ironically, though, we’d be saving them a lot of money on welfare programs in the long run, due to how many of WalMart’s employees end up on social programs despite working for a living.”
Last on their list of potential culturally relevant targets are slave plantations. Though the U.S. outlawed slavery for good with the 13th Amendment, shortly before the end of the Civil War, Iran says they’re grateful that so many plantations were kept intact and are now tourist destinations. Blowing up one or more could “send shockwaves of loss” throughout the former Confederacy.
“These people worship monuments to traitors that weren’t even built when the traitors were alive,” Iran writes. “They act like statues for fallen heroes of a failed attempt to start a country solely for the purpose of enslaving brown people are religious artifacts. Blowing up a plantation, or a number of them, would likely be an extremely demoralizing act for those people to witness.”
The White House has not yet responded to Iran’s new threats. Reportedly, once the president is sufficiently supplied with Adderall, however, he may address the list of culturally significant targets. This story will be updated when and if he does.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.