LAKE CRÂNE VIDE GÉANT, FLORIDA — Right-wing commentator Dan Bongino announced last week that he’s adding “social media investor” to a résume that already includes job titles like “disgraced former Secret Service agent” and “multiple failed congressional candidate” as well as “fired NRATV spokesterrorist.” Mr. Bongino announced on Twitter that he had invested quite heavily in social media startup Parler, which he and his fellow pro-Trump commentators are billing as an alternative to Twitter and Facebook, which they accuse of regularly censoring conservatives.
Users who open Parler accounts might notice, however, that the first dozen or so suggested accounts to follow belong to Bongino, hard-right news outlet The Epoch Times, and the congressman who keeps losing court cases to fake Twitter cows, Devin Nunes. Some might raise an eyebrow at Bongino’s insistence that his social media platform is “unbiased,” given the blatant bias in those accounts. However, Mr. Bongino agreed to stop taking his steroid long enough to do an interview with one of our reporters at one of his favorite Florida vacation spots.
REPORTER: Thanks for agreeing to do this interview, Mr. Bongino.
Dan Bongino: No problem, no problem. Just real quick though, I have to ask you — where does your loyalty to the president lie? You’re not one of those so-called journalists are you?
REPORTER: I mean, yeah, I am a reporter so…
DB: So that means you think your job is to ask questions of people in power, and I’m sure you even use their own words and quote them back to them when you ask your questions? Like a libtarded cuck, then?
DB: Okay, fine, whatever, I’ll do this interview, but I’m only going to answer one question so I can say I fucking OWNED you like the lib you are, okay, Snowflake?
REPORTER: I mean, I’m not the one who got triggered by the notion of someone asking questions of their Dear President, but…
DB: What did you just say to me, motherfucker?!
At this point in the interview, Bongino excused himself to go to the bathroom. When he came back, he was much calmer. I asked him why he had been gone for twenty minutes.
DB: Sometimes I get a little worked up, and I have to go hate spank it to videos of Democrats who are more popular than me, like Crooked Hillary and Evil Obama.”
REPORTER: Ah, okay, that makes sense, I guess. Okay, so I’m ready for my one question interview.
DB: Good, let’s get on with it, then, cupcake. I have to go rub a gun all over cock at an NRA event and you’re gonna make me late if you don’t speed things up.
REPORTER: Okay…So, tell me, if you can, why should people want to go and open an account on Parler?
DB: Oh, shit! That’s actually a great question. I don’t take back any of the mean shit I said to you, but I pretentiously commend you on not offending me with the question you did ask.
DB: This is really very simple. So simple even a libtarded cuck like you can understand it. Parler is for people who are tired of having their posts censored just because they spread false information or because most decent people would be revolted by it. Put simply, Parler is social media for people tired of hiding behind their red hats and white hoods. Parler is the most inclusive social media platform for discriminating bigots, and we plan to keep it that way.
So far, thousands of accounts have been opened on Parler, though it’s unclear how many might be bots. Reportedly, Parler execs are trying their best to convince President Trump to sign-up as well.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.