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Thursday, September 21, 2023

Darwin Awards Give Lifetime Achievement Recognition to Anti-Vaxxers Who Died of COVID

Each year, the Darwin Awards are handed to some of humanity’s least best and dimmest. Typically, Darwin Awards are given to people who injure or kill themselves in accidents that common sense might have prevented them from undertaking otherwise.

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This year, for the first time ever, Darwin Lifetime Achievement awards will be given. Even more noteworthy is just how many awards are being handed out. In a press release from The Darwin Awards, the show’s organizers announced that they will be giving “hundreds, if not thousands” of lifetime achievement awards out this year. To qualify, nominees needed to have died from COVID-19 after vaccines were widely available, and most importantly, they needed to be “loudly and proudly anti-vaccination.”

A portion of the press release is reprinted below.

The Darwin Awards have always strived to highlight the best of the worst of humanity. We have always done our level best to give our annual awards to the people who most richly deserve such an honor. For the first time in our organization’s history, we are thrilled to announce will be handing out lifetime achievement awards during this year’s ceremony.

For our inaugural Lifetime Achievement Darwin Awards, we went big. Like, really big. One might say we went “Bigly,” in fact. That’s because we didn’t shy away from a huge task, like giving an award to every anti-vaxxer who then caught COVID-19 and died. By our estimation there are hundreds, if not thousands of potential recipients, and we are committed to tracking them all down and giving them, or rather their loved ones they left behind, their awards posthumously.

The Darwin Awards voting board believes that dying from a completely preventable disease is an achievement worthy of celebration, particularly after the planet suffered through a global pandemic, awaiting life saving vaccines, for more than a year. Nothing suits our awards quite as well as having access to a vaccine, that vaccine costing you exactly no money, and then being infected with the very disease those free, life saving vaccines were specifically designed to protect you from.

To be clear as possible: The Lifetime Achievement Darwin Award is not designed for people who died from COVID-19 before there was a vaccine, or for the very rare instance of someone literally not being capable of taking a vaccine for medical reasons. These awards are specifically set aside for the truly ignorant among us who knew better, eschewed vaccination, and paid the ultimate price.

Next year, people who die from COVID-19 after being loudly anti-vaccine will be eligible in the traditional “Fucked Around and Found Out” category.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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