Today, thousands of people amassed in Virginia to protest new laws passed by the state legislature. The Constitution guarantees the right to peaceably assemble for such acts of civil, civic engagement. While many had feared that the protests could turn violent, as of the time of reporting, there have not been any major incidents of violence to report. However, an institution devoted to analyzing data and statistics has already preliminarily crunched the figures, and believes today’s rally may held truly historic significance in the annals of time.
Early analysis of the data seems to show that Virginia hosted the largest gathering of small to miniscule genitals ever recorded. According to the National Scientific Institute for the Study of Things and Such (NSTS), there isn’t much data to compare today’s massive rally in the Old Dominion state, however their chief resident media liaison explained that “sometimes things can’t sneak by your critical thinking skills.”
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“These things are hard to quantify when you don’t have years of studies to base your conclusions on,” Dr. Dick Richardson of the NSTS told reporters in his official capacity today, “but it doesn’t take an advanced algorithm to figure out there were tons of tiny dicks out in force today, waving their penile analogs around and shouting about not complying with newly passed laws. Applying some rudimentary critical thinking skills, we can reason that population statistics and demographics would suggest there’s no way this isn’t the largest gathering of small genitals ever recorded. At least since the last time the Trump family held a family reunion.”
Dr. Richardson explained that the family of President Donald J. Trump is “well known around the globe for having extremely small, mangled, mushroom-like genitals.” He provided a file photo of the president’s oldest sons, Uday and Qusay, as evidence. In the photo, the two men are seen wearing the traditional garb of trophy and sport hunters.
“You can tell from this image alone that the Trump boys likely have incredibly small wangs,” Dr. Richardson said. “Which would make a lot of sense, given what we know about their father’s presidential pecker. If we extrapolate that knowledge and then apply it to the rally in Virginia today, it’s only logical that there were thousands of small-dongs out there. In fact, with just our naked eye, and without diving too deeply into the data we collected, we can see a plethora of insignificantly sized genitals milling about and chanting.”
As much as he believes the data clearly shows that the NSTS’s conclusion about the historic size of the crowd of “teeny weenies” gathered in Virginia is correct, Richardson says that he and his team will still do their due diligence and confirm their results as best they can with “hard data.”
“Of course, with these guys, the data is like their genitals and not very hard at all,” Richardson admitted, “but we owe a duty to science, discovery, and history itself, it get this right. We won’t rest until we can say definitively whether or not this is the largest gathering of small genitals in one place since the last Trump family reunion. As God as my witness, we will not fail in this quest.”
In the end, Richardson believes what will be the hardest for his team to prove or disprove is the comparison between today’s gathering and a Trump family reunion.
“The big question mark that remains is how big Trump family reunions get. Logic would dictate that no one would want to make babies with a Trump, thereby severely limiting how big the reunions could be,” Richardson posited, “but then again, as long as there are craven, gold digging, probably racist women out there looking to get a shot at a lavish lifestyle, the Trumps will always be able to get laid. This one’s gonna be close, folks.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.