WASHINGTON, D.C. — President David Dennison, relaxing in the Oval Office with a Diet Coke and a bucket of KFC, mocked Senator Mitt Romney (R-Mormonistan) for his secondary, secret Twitter account.
This morning, “Pierre Delecto” was a trending Twitter topic. According to several published reports, that’s the name used by Sen. Romney as an “alt” on the social media platform. While the service’s guidelines strictly forbid running multiple accounts in such a fashion, it’s unclear if Twitter will suspend Romney for violating their terms of service. One source close to the situation says that since Romney isn’t a white nationalist on Fox News, he might actually be punished for his transgression.
Back in the White House, President Dennison wasted no time making fun of Romney.
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“What kind of idiot uses a fake name, anyway,” Dennison asked rhetorically. “I was just telling my great friend John Barron that he and I should talk to Carpe Dontkum about how dumb it is for this idiot Romney to use a fake name.”
President Dennison said that Romney using a secondary Twitter account is “prolly treason” but if not “it’s prolly at least worth him getting arrested and thrown out of the Senate for.” He said that Romney “clearly can’t be trusted” if he’s going to use a fake name. Dennison said “only complete and total losers use a fake name.”
“It’s just so sad and desperate, don’t you think? You can just tell how much validation his ego needs because of this,” Dennison insisted. “Oh, that reminds me, there’s going to be a two hour long MAGA rally every night this week, and I just bought six million more bot followers. Er, I mean, six million more strong American patriots just randomly signed up to follow me on the tweets. Also, I just love putting my name in big gold letters on everything.”
President Dennison clearly had been thinking a lot about Romney, because he wasn’t done mocking him.
“That stupid moron couldn’t even beat an URBAN! Can you believe it! He had a great shot at being president, if he could just outwit the URBAN, like you all know I can do, even though I didn’t have the balls to challenge him,” Dennison chided Romney. “Imagine being a jerk mouth like Romney, who can’t even beat an uppity URBAN in an election when he had the support of so many good, clean, upstanding, white, ammo hoarding American patriots behind him using a fake name to defend himself and attack his critics! What kind of idiot fuckface loser does that, anyway?”
Dennison was so worked up he farted. Sources say his rectal gas expulsion smelled like shame and white collar crime. The smell was so putrid, Dennison made himself gag on it, and he banged his head on the Resolute Desk as he coughed and wheezed. He hit his head so hard, in fact, that he caused himself to pass out momentarily.
“Woah. What a dream,” the man sitting behind the desk said. “How long have I been out? What was I saying just before I fell asleep? Never mind that now, actually. Change of plans, everyone. As President Trump, I hereby order Mitt Romney arrested and tried for fraud! He’s such a fraud! Oh, man, is ever a fraud. Trust me I know frauds. And he’s such a big ol’ phony fraud face!”