GALT, KANSAS — Billionaire industrialist and Republican mega-donor David Koch passed away after a long battle with prostate cancer, the family announced this morning. Mr. Koch is survived by his family, which includes his brother Charles. Together, the Koch Brothers became synonymous with the post-Citizens United reality of campaign and political finance.
While details of any memorial or funeral services have not been released, Mr. Koch’s estate issued a statement saying they wanted to “honor David’s legacy” and “get to profiting off this devastating loss as soon as possible.”
“David would want us to turn our frowns upside down, and then dump money into them because they look big ol’ pots you put money in at that point,” Koch Estate media representative Chad Montana told the media at a press conference. “So we’re going to schedule the estate sale to be held over the weekend, and we have some really great, top dollar items that’ll be up for grabs, highest bidder taking them.”
Mr. Montana divulged that among the pieces of art, cars, and various other furnishings sold at David Koch’s estate sale, there will also be “quite a large inventory” of both current and former Republican politicians that David and his brother Charles purchased over the years.
“While probably no one wants to buy a Michele Bachmann anymore, maybe you could still find use for Scott Walker, if you turn him into a planter or something else where he doesn’t have to seem intelligent or competent,” Montana said. “On that note, does anyone know what the blue book value on two former Speakers of the House might be? We’d love to do a package deal for Paul Ryan and John Boehner.”
Upon hearing the news of Koch’s death and the potential of him being bought by another bidder at the estate sale, Walker, former governor of Wisconsin, issued a statement.
“Me, Scott. Me like David Koch lots. Me sad him die. Me am glad maybe me have home with new rich, old, white man, though,” Walker’s statement said. “Me hope next master as good as old master.”
Former Speaker of the House Paul Ryan had other concerns.
“Do you happen to know if the post-dated checks he gave me are still gonna be good? I don’t really want to bounce one to the gym, bro,” Ryan said.
Upon hearing of the news of Koch’s death, President Donald Trump issued his own statement as well. Mr. Trump found out in January that the Koch brothers would not be backing his re-election bid next year. The Kochs, who had donated to other Republican efforts to win the White House in the past, also did not donate to Trump’s 2016 campaign.
“David Koch is a Never-Trumper, which means, frankly, he was always playing with fire,” Trump said, “and frankly, if he had donated to either of my campaigns, he’d probably still be alive today. He’d never have died if he’d just given me some money. DUH!”
The David Koch Estate has advised anyone attending the estate sale that any lease agreements for Republicans will need to be bought out in full buy the new owner. Fully-owned politicians however, will be put into an auction. The opening bid for Bachmann will be a penny per IQ point.
“That’ll be the easiest two bits anyone’s ever made,” one source close to the auction said. “Do you have any idea how much empty storage space in that woman’s head? It’s a damn warehouse of stupidity.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”