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Thursday, August 18, 2022

DeSantis Signs Order Making It Illegal to Care About COVID Within Florida State Lines

TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDUH — Gov. Ron DeSantis (Q-FL) had a unique idea to help his state emerge once and for all from the COVID-19 global pandemic. Namely, DeSantis decided to legally prohibit caring about the disease while anywhere within the state boundaries.

“As much as I love President Donald Trump, and make no mistake I love him more than I love my own children,” DeSantis said at a signing ceremony this morning, “I always thought he missed a great opportunity last year. If he had just made it illegal to talk or care about COVID, guess what? That would make COVID go away, like magic even!”

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DeSantis explained that in his view, there has been “far too much worry and concern” about COVID-19, and that “all the doom and gloom” is more harmful to Floridians.

“Sure, if you get COVID you could die, but for a lot of us, if we have to care about COVID anymore, we’re going to feel like we’re literally dying,” DeSantis said. “It seems to me the quickest way out of this mess, the fastest way to never have to deal with COVID again is to just stop dealing with COVID period. Therefore, as soon as I drag my hand across that paper, it will be fully, full-on, full-blown illegal to care about COVID-19 within our state lines.”

Dan Bongino called DeSantis’ order “the greatest act of owning the libs ever recorded.”

“Sure, this order will almost certainly result in more people getting sick, which mathematically would mean more people would die,” Bongino said while masturbating to old Hillary Clinton videos during his radio show today, “but he’ll have so completely owned the libs I don’t think anyone will care.”

Gov. DeSantis batted away questions about what he’d do if the COVID numbers continued to climb in his state. Over the last two weeks, Florida and Texas have become the new hot spots in the U.S. for the delta variant of COVID-19. DeSantis laughed and indicated that his order will “have already taken care of” any further spikes.

“Well, the cool thing is that once I sign that order, it’ll be illegal to discuss COVID,” DeSantis explained, “so how is anyone going to report on something it’s illegal to care about? If this goes well enough, I’m going to make it illegal to even test for COVID-19. Then there would never be another COVID case in Florida, ever again!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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