WASHINGTON, D.C. — He hasn’t given up on stealing the election and overturning the will of the people just yet, but sources close to President Trump are telling us that he has begun to process his loss, and is even making some tentative plans for his post-White House life. One such plan Trump has is to write a personal memoir of the time he spent in office, much like several other presidents have done. President Barack Obama, the man who was in office before Trump took over, just released the first of two planned memoirs within the last week.
To prepare himself for the daunting task of writing a book about four years of his life, the president has reportedly been having Education Secretary Betsy DeVos come over to the White House to teach him how to read and write.
“Secretary DeVos dropped all her Thanksgiving preparation plans and headed straight to the White House this morning for an urgent tutoring session with President Trump,” Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick told reporters from the briefing room, “and she hopes to have the president reading and writing at a third grade level by the time he leaves office in January, provided the Supreme Court doesn’t decide this election hurts the president’s feelings in an unconstitutional way, of course.”
Trump is planning to write “at least forty or fifty pages” himself, McDitzydick announced, and that he’d “hire the best writers from The Federalist and Stormfront” to help him finish out the rest.
“The president wants people who can hear a story about a failed, incompetent businessman and his wild, lawless, self-enriching kleptocratic presidency,” McDitzydick explained, “and turn it into a story of a rugged, proud, patriotic God-like king emperor, so obviously he’s scouring 4chan for options.”
Devos plans to start with the basics, teaching Trump what English letters look and sound like, and then will move on to instructing him on spelling, and ultimately sentence structure and construction.
“The secretary will be putting in an absolute glut of hours, and will be showing a Herculean effort over the coming weeks and days,” McDitzydick suggested, “and in the end, this president will drag his crayon over a handful of pages of copier paper, and the world will witness the greatest presidential memoir ever written by a semi-literate white collar crook, clown, and failed businessman.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.