MUSTAFAR — Former President Dick Cheney sent an email to President Donald Trump today, telling him that while Cheney “fully and completely supports any and all wars in the Middle East,” that he is “gravely concerned” by the notion that Saudi Arabia might be “pushing” trump to declare war with Iran.
“That’s my job, Mr. President, everyone knows that,” Cheney wrote President Trump. “Remember, back in October of 2001, the Dick Cheney Starts Every War bill passed the House and Senate with flying colors, and President Bush signed it into law. Effectively, this made me the one sole and true decider when the United States will go to war, in perpetuity.”
Cheney’s email explains that back during his days as Vice President, just after the events of 9/11, then President George W. Bush felt it might be good for an “adult to be making all the big boy decisions.” That’s when the Dick Cheney Starts Every War bill was first devised. Capitalizing on the patriotic, if not nationalist, emotional fervor of the country at the time, Bush signed the act into law, and now Cheney is, by law, the only one allowed to declare war, at least according to Cheney’s email.
“The point in all of this being, I really hope you’re not letting Saudi Arabia dictate when we go to war because that’s my job, Mr. President, and boy if I had a billion dollars from the DOD’s budget for every time I’ve had to write or say that, oh wait, I do,” Cheney’s letter states. “It’s going to be like riding a bike, Don, for both of us. I’m still rusty at pushing around an obviously in over his head empty headed vessel of vapid stupidity, and you’re going to need to be made to feel like you’re in charge a lot more than the last moron – excuse me, presidential moron.”
Mr. Cheney writes that it “sets a bad precedent” if Trump allows the Saudis to push the U.S. into war with Iran.
“If you let Saudi Arabia tell you when you should get into a war in the Middle East you are ripping up 18 years of tradition and history,” Cheney implored the president, “and for what? Just so you can make your Saudi friends feel better about helping Qatar bail your son-in-law out on that whole building lease thing? I mean, I’m not talking shit. That’s next level war mongering, to pay off a debt to a foreign company by starting a war against their adversary for them. And the icing on the cake is that the Saudis were behind 9/11. Masterful. But, again, to reiterate — I’m in charge of dragging us into wars Americans don’t want to be in, not the Saudis, Mr. President.”
Though he says that “things like death only scare mortals,” Cheney divulged that even his passing would not nullify the Dick Cheney Starts Every War Act.
“Don’t worry about what happens after I die. Don’t assume the Sith can’t come back just because we embrace the Dark Side,” Cheney explained. “Honestly, that’s on you for not knowing the power of it, if I’m being honest.”
Reportedly, in the White House, Trump has not as of yet drafted or sent a response to Mr. Cheney.
“The president will respond to Vice President Cheney when he’s first verified that the Dick Cheney Starts Every War Act is still valid,” one aide told us on the condition of anonymity, “and also when he’s sufficiently literate enough to both read and then write a response. We’re hoping he’s not out of office by then, but given that he doesn’t think he’ll relinquish the office even if he loses next year, that’s less a concern. Oh crap, did I say that out loud again? Daddy is not going to let me answer the phones anymore if I keep doing this. DADDY! DONNY JUNIOR MADE A BOO BOO AGAIN!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”