Doctors Confirm Nancy’s Are Bigger Than Trump’s

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Doctors in the D.C. area have confirmed for the American public this morning that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has bigger ones than President Donald Trump. In a testy exchange at the White House yesterday, Pelosi, House Majority Whip Stenny Hoyer, and Sen. Chuck Schumer, all Democrats, left a meeting with President Trump abruptly. Reportedly, Trump called Pelosi a “third rate politician” after being pressed by her to give definitive answers about his plan for the rapidly deteriorating situation in Syria involving Kurdish people and Turkey, a NATO ally of the United States.

When she left the White House, Pelosi told reporters that she thought Trump might have been upset before the meeting because she had overseen a resolution with stunning bipartisan support in the House hours earlier. On a vote of 354 to 60, roughly two-thirds of House Republicans voted along with the Democrats to condemn Trump’s decision to pull U.S. forces out of Syria. Since then, Turkey has begun bombing in the area, and Russia has sent in military support to help Syria. 

Though there were no videos taken of the meeting that have been released, photos published on President Trump’s Twitter feed document the fiery exchange. One image, of Pelosi literally standing up to Trump, was shared by the president perhaps to mock Pelosi. However, within minutes of Trump tweeting the photo, Speaker Pelosi had made it the banner image on her Twitter profile, effectively putting the fires of that particular insult out.

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Medical professionals in the capital were called to assess the situation this morning. After careful deliberation, a panel of five doctors concluded that Pelosi does in fact have “bigger ones” than Trump.

“Undeniably, unquestionably,” Dr. Cathy McWillingham told reporters this morning, “Speaker Pelosi’s are gigantic when compared to the president’s. She was the lone woman in a room full of powerful men, one of whom is the most powerful man in the world, and she literally and figuratively stood up to him.”

McWillingham says she has documented “ample evidence” to back up her assertion that Pelosi’s are bigger than Trump’s.

“Trump can’t stand up to Erdogan. Trump can’t stand up to Putin. Trump can’t stand up to Kim Jong-un,” McWillingham stated, “and that’s just to name a few. Trump can’t even stand up to his own rabid, violent base when they commit murder and calls them ‘very fine people.’ Nancy has no fucks to give and stands up to him every chance she gets.”

It’s not just Trump whose “ones” are dwarfed by Pelosi’s, either, McWillingham told the media.

“It’s also pretty obvious she has bigger ones than Lindsey Graham, Rand Paul, Mitt Romney, and dozens of congressional Republicans,” McWillingham said. “None of them have remotely enough of what she’s got, clearly. They can’t stand up to Trump over anything. Look at Ted Cruz. Trump insulted his wife and said his dad helped kill JFK, and what’s Ted doing now? Shilling for Trump and calling the impeachment a witch hunt on his behalf. Nancy’s definitely got bigger ones than Ted.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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