NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The president’s third most intelligent son indicated today that he believes it’s time for America’s governors to begin relaxing restrictions and letting parts of their states’ economies open back up. After weeks of shutting nearly all economic activity down due to fears over the pandemic outbreak of the COVID-19 virus, Donald Trump Jr. told a conservative talk radio host this morning that it’s time for Americans to “tighten their belts, pull up their boot straps,” and at very least “go back to pretending to work” like he does.
“Chip, I’m telling you this right here and right now — it’s time. Our hard working American plebs need to get back to doing what they do best,” Trump Jr. told W-KKK’s Chip Chatterly today. “They need to know their place in our society. Our capitalist mill needs them for the grist. Our free market engine needs them to be the road kill we pass as we laugh and do coke off eastern European models’ titties.”
If Americans don’t have jobs to go back to because they lost theirs as a result of the coronavirus precautions, Trump Jr. says they should be willing to pretend to work, at the very least.
“I can tell you this from years of personal experience, Chip. Nothing, and I mean nothing, beats a long day’s work making it look like you worked a long day,” Trump Jr. explained. “You really go to bed every night with a warm heart, and a contented, still mind. My daddy used to say my brain was still because I was stillborn, but ever since we changed his meds, he’s a lot nicer to me and only hits me every so often. Wait, what was I talking about, Chip?”
The president’s son says the has “an instinct about these things” and that he “can just tell” that there are a lot of Americans not working who could be working. Donald Jr. said it’s “extremely un-American” to get money and not doing anything for that money “unless your last name is Trump.” He said it’s “not fair at all” that people are trying to “horn in” on his family’s “racket.”
“My daddy always said if I can do something, literally any fucking moron in the world can do it, too.” – Donald Trump Jr
“Sitting on your ass and getting money for nothing is what we do, and it’s frankly something I think we should look into suing people for copyright infringement over if they do it,” Trump Jr. threatened. “I mean, is it really so hard for you to go back to work? At the very least, why can’t you pretend to work like I do? If I can do something, then literally anyone can, even coma patients and people who have already died because their brains technically function at a higher level than my own.”
At the end of it all, Trump Jr explained, he knows what it looks and feels like when people aren’t working hard, because he’s been doing that for literally his entire life.
“Look, I have an exquisite palette, okay? I know what I’m tasting in that silver spoon of mine, and right now,” Trump Jr insisted, “I’m tasting a bunch lazy, do-nothings who don’t even have the work ethic it takes to be born into wealth and fail upward like everyone in my family has!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.