While lamestream media intelligentsia cultural Marxist elitists scoffed at the notion when he brought it up in last night’s debate, there can be no real denying that President Donald Trump and Abraham Lincoln are almost indistinguishable from one another. While Trump may have been comparing himself to Lincoln in the context of how much each man has done for the black community, and those comparisons are certainly very valid and not at all laughable on their face, the deep and undeniable similarities between the two men could not be more apparent.
It wasn’t the first time Donald Trump made such a perfect comparison, but the left-wing, AOC+3, Crazy Nancy Pelosi, Angry Bob Mueller Antifa Democrat Squad always acts so surprised whenever he does. So why do the enemies of the people in the press deny these very obvious similarities? Quite obviously that are trying to perform a media coup on our Dear President, that’s why.
In an attempt to stymie their media coup, this outlet has decided to prove, once and for all, that Donald Trump and Abraham Lincoln might as well be the same person. What follows is an exhaustive, thorough accounting of just the similarities between the two that we could find, though we are sure that they are probably billions more to be discovered.
- Abraham Lincoln had a penis, and according to Stormy Daniels, Trump has something he presents as a penis.
- Abraham Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing enslaved black people in the South. President Trump knows Kanye West. Pretty much the same thing.
- Abraham Lincoln was the first Republican President, and Donald Trump might just be the last.
- Abraham Lincoln briefly considered a plan to send freed slaves to Africa, and Donald Trump would totally implement that plan today.
- Abraham Lincoln fought a war against Jefferson Davis, and Donald Trump has a Southern White House like Jefferson Davis.
- Abraham Lincoln also presumably had testicles, and Donald Trump doesn’t have the balls to stand up to fascist dictators around the world.
- Abraham Lincoln famously lost an election before eventually becoming president, and Donald Trump lost an election in order to become president.
- Abraham Lincoln was the 16th president, and Donald Trump can almost count to 16 (with his shoes off).
- Abraham Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy, and Donald Trump wants to have sex with his daughter.
- Abraham Lincoln ignored the Constitution and suspended habeas corpus, and Donald Trump has never even heard of the Constitution.
As one can easily tell, these similarities between President Lincoln and President Trump could not be any more self-evident than they are. So when can Dear President Trump expect his apology from the media? He won’t be holding his breath, and just because COVID-19 left him with significantly weaker lung capacity.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.