WASHINGTON, D.C. — Eye witnesses have spotted former Labor Secretary Alexander Acosta filling out an employment application at pizza chain Chuck E. Cheese’s just moments before publication. In a truly unforeseen twist, Acosta was joined by billionaire Jeffrey Epstein, who is currently awaiting trial on charges of sexual trafficking of minors.
“Well, we both happen to be suddenly in the job market,” Acosta was overheard telling a patron of Chuck E. Cheese’s, “and luckily for us, this booming economy affords every American the opportunity to work a handful of minimum wage jobs in order to almost make ends meet.”
Apparently, it was Epstein’s idea to apply for jobs at Chuck E. Cheese’s.
“We were going to go grab a bite to eat, and Jeff turns to me and says, ‘Hey! Wanna go to Chuck E. Cheese’s? It’s where a kid can be a kid,'” Acosta said, “and he started rubbing himself in his happy zone as we call it in our totally not a religious cult of a home. Pizza sounded good to me, so we decided to go to Chuck E. Cheese’s.”
When they arrived at the restaurant and arcade, they saw signs on the front advertising job openings. Both men realized they were going to soon be in need of an extra stream of income, and decided to apply right there on the spot.
“Jeff seems to think there are fringe benefits to working here, but I scoured the employment application and couldn’t find that they offered any benefits whatsoever,” Acosta told the patron. “So I’m not sure what he’s talking about there. He’s convinced, though, and I’m just gonna let him have this one. He’s been through quite a lot already.”
Acosta isn’t even sure he wants to work at Chuck E. Cheese’s, but he says he’s willing to “lend a hand” to Epstein.
“You know, for old time’s sake,” Acosta said. “You help a sexual predator once, and you sort of feel like you’ve gotta keep helping them. It’s like feeding a stray cat. Except, you know, instead of a homeless cat it’s a rich, cartoon villain of the absolute most heinous and disgusting variety. So, same/same, really.”
Employees were seen shredding Acosta’s and Epstein’s applications as the two men walked back to Acosta’s car.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”