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Thursday, September 21, 2023

Eric Trump Says Mail-In Ballots ‘Unfairly Silence’ Women Voters

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Despite the fact that he is a mail-in voter himself, President Donald Trump has started a sort of crusade against absentee ballots, particularly this fall when he’s up for re-election.

Just this morning, Trump sent multiple outraged and threatening tweets about Michigan and Nevada sending applications for mail-in ballots to every registered voter. It’s unclear whether Trump initially understood that the states sent only applications, not ballots, to voters. However, it doesn’t seem that in his mind it’s a distinction with much of a difference.

The president isn’t the only one in his family that doesn’t seem to trust mail-in balloting, either. Speaking to WKKK AM Talk Radio’s Chip Chatterly this morning, the president’s son Eric said that he too is very concerned about absentee voting. However, Eric’s reasons, he said, are “much more differenter” than his father’s. Eric, it turns out, believes that vote by mail is “sexist.”

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“If they were female-in ballots, I’d be defending all the men’s right to vote,” Eric assured Chip. “But I guess I’m the bad guy for calling these male-in ballots for what they are — sexist. It’s pretty obvious that these male-in ballots just unfairly silence women voters.”

Chatterly agreed with Eric that it’s “ridiculous” to not call out mail-in balloting as sexist.

“That’s right, Chip, it’s really very sexist. How dare these states tell women they can’t vote? That’s just not very American, if you ask me,” Eric inisted. “We have a Constipation in this country, Chip! And that Constipation is extremely clear — all people are equal! These states that are going to male-in voting are violating the Constipation, and I’m gonna tell my dad on them!”

Eric’s comments come on the same day that our sister publication, Alternative Facts, reports that President Trump is now threatening to withhold federal funding from any state that allows Democrats to vote. Trump had initially made threats to financially punish states with absentee voting, a power the Constitution does not grant him. However, as reported by Alternative Facts, the president has decided he wants to broaden his threat to include states that allow Democrats to vote, whether in person or otherwise.

“We don’t let traitors vote in this country. We let them serve on presidential transition teams. We let Billy Barr try to get charges against traitors dropped after they plead guilty to them,” Trump said, “but we do not let traitors vote! Frankly, if you ask me, Democrat is just another word for traitor. So why should we let Americans decide who will be the president if they don’t even admit I’m the best president ever, or worse yet, want to vote for someone other than me.” (AltFacts)

Eric told Chatterly he thinks his father is “doing the best job of any president ever” and that he agrees with looking at forbidding Democrats from voting.

“We used to make sure if you were voting you had to own land and be white, and look at how much better things were for most of us,” Eric argued. “Only a little bit of slavery, which if you ask me the federal government had no business telling states they couldn’t practice to keep their own economies going, and, like, that’s pretty much it. A Civil War, I guess. But really, the fewer people that have a voice in our democracy, the better it is…for Republicans. Which is all that matters.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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