WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the past couple of days, Americans have begun to hear one phrase over and over from not only their commander in chief, but from his surrogates and defenders in the media. That word is “Obamagate.”
In fact, the Lord God King Emperor himself tweeted the word, in all-caps, just this morning.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 14, 2020
This was not the first time the country’s most powerful executive tweeted about “Obamagate,” however. He also compared it to Watergate, the scandal that ultimately brought about the disgraced resignation of former President Richard M. Nixon.
OBAMAGATE makes Watergate look small time! https://t.co/vW19NbYXw6
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 12, 2020
As best as can be surmised from the available information, Obamagate appears to be a Trumpian effort to paint the efforts made by the Obama administration to investigate the lengths to which the Kremlin went to help the Trump campaign in 2016 as nefarious. While it’s been well-established that former President Barack Obama is a literal demon from the Land of Islam who was sent by George Soros to bring the country down from within, many Americans have been in the dark about his attempts to perform a coup on a president by way of using his legal authorities to investigate a foreign power subverting American democracy. Though, when given the chance to elucidate what the exact charges should be against Obama, Trump has never quite been able to get his big, beautiful, stably genius brain to explain it in a totally coherent manner, which is of course very bizarre for him.
Reportedly, the vagueness of Obamagate has led the president’s third smartest son Eric to a bit of his own confusion. In an effort to help his daddy, sources say Eric has sent an urgent email to his father. The email begs President Trump to “shut Obamagate forever,” but it doesn’t stop there.
“Daddy! Daddy,” Eric’s email began, “You gotta promise me you’re gonna shut the Obamagate, Daddy! If you don’t, that sneakly Muslin could find his way back in using Sharia Voodoo that Donald Jr told me about!”
Eric, however, was not just worried about the Obamagate.
“You gotta shut all the Obamaholes! Shut the Obamdoor, shut the Obamwindows,” Eric urged his father, “and make sure you put someone in charge of blocking them permanently! Donald Jr told me that if you don’t keep him out, he’ll steal all our guns and rub In God We Trust off our coins! Please take care, Daddy!”
White House Press Barbie, Kayleigh McEnany, told reporters that the president received his son’s email, and once it was read to him, he decided “immediate and swift action” was necessary.
“Of course this president want to do, and will continue to do what’s best for the American people,” McEnany said, “just so long as he a) feels like it and b) he profits from it somehow. Our Dear President, in his infinite wisdom, decided that act immediately on the advice of his third most intelligent son, Eric. He will now immediately close all Obamaholes, including the Obamagate, Obamadoor, Obamawindows, Obamavents, Obamagrates, and even the Obamaportal. It’s time, and this president is once again acting extremely bravely and decisively.”
At the time of publication, Eric was seen headed to the White House with a roll of duct tape, a hammer, and a couple of loose screws his father dropped from his skull the last time he came to visit.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.