NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Eric Trump, son of President Donald Trump, told friends and family this morning that he was “bigly sad and disappointed” by what he saw on Fox News and OANN when the conservative news networks covered Super Tuesday elections, happening in fourteen states across the country today. The Democratic Party’s presidential primary has already begun to take shape, after three of the remaining candidates — Sen. Amy Klobuchar, South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg, and billionaire activist Tom Steyer — dropped out of the race just hours before Americans started casting ballots in primary races from California to Texas to Massachusetts. However, once the dust settles today, the primary picture could become clearer even still, and most expect it to end up becoming a two person race between Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders and former Vice President Joe Biden.
Experts are already wondering if networks will have to adjust the audio on their broadcasts of debates between Biden and Sanders so that viewers’ ear drums are not blown completely out when the two nearly 80-year old men start yelling at each other.
What got the president’s third smartest son so disappointed this morning, however, had very little to do with the Democratic primary, however. Eric was reportedly pretty upset that on Super Tuesday none of the coverage he watched showed either Batman or Spider-Man casting their votes, or even protecting polling stations. Eric was under the impression that Super Tuesday was the day set aside by America for its super heroes to cast their own primary ballots.
“I wanna talk to Diddums! Right now! Get me the White House on the phone and tell them I need to speak to President Diddums PRONTO,” Eric was overheard shouting at his assistant. “I was told this is Super Tuesday and I haven’t seen a single super hero! What a total rip-off!”
Eric could be heard yelling about his eighth birthday.
“If my daddy can get Superman to come to my eighth birthday before he was even pres-o-dent,” Eric screamed, tears coming from his eyes, “then he can order The Hulk or Catwoman to come out and cast a vote, can’t he? What kind of country is America if the pres-o-dent can’t order its super heroes to go and vote, anyway?!”
By noon, word had reached the president in the White House that his son Eric was quite upset. President Trump personally intervened in an attempt to soothe his son’s feelings. Eric’s assistant handed him his phone, and he greeted his father.
“Diddums? HI, DIDDUMS! Why come I no see super heroes voting,” Eric asked, still trying to regain his composure while he spoke to his father. “It’s Super Tuesday and those cuck super heroes aren’t voting yet! This is a total rip-off Diddums! I got up super early and missed my morning cartoons to watch Batman vote, and I didn’t get to see him vote, and that makes me sad!”
President Trump knew exactly how to calm Eric down.
“Now, now son,” President Trump began, “I will have my personal attorney general open an investigation right away. He’ll get to the bottom of this, and any superheroes caught not having voted will get sent to our border camps to live with the brown babies.”
That helped a little but Eric was still quite upset.
“That helps a little,” Eric said, “but I’m still very upset, Diddums! ME WANT SEE SUPERHEROES VOTING!”
President Trump’s mind was racing. How could he distract Eric, he wondered. He needed to offer him something he knew Eric would like, and distract his son.
“How about…oh! I know,” Trump shouted as he had a thought, “what if we start a charity for kids with cancer?”
Eric was intrigued.
“Go on, Diddums,” Eric prodded his father. “I’m listening.”
The president knew he had his son’s attention now.
“Superheroes love to help kids, don’t they Eric? They sure do,” Trump answered for his son, “and we’ll invite SuperBat or Spider-Thing or whatever. Whoever you want! We’ll invite them to a charity ball, and they’ll be the guest of honor! We can sell tons of tickets to that, son!”
Now Eric was really excited. He told his dad that was one of his best ideas ever. President Trump was happy that Eric was calming back down, because he had a long, busy day of official presidential toilet tweeting to do.
“That’s right Eric! It is a great idea. I have lots of great ideas, sure, but this is one of my best. And you know the best part Eric,” President Trump asked his son. “We can take the money the rubes and suckers give us for cancer kids and buy a vacation home for each of us somewhere! Your dad’s a real stable genius, son, you’re very lucky.”
Eric agreed he was lucky and told his dad he loved him.
“Yeah, great, cool, thanks kid,” Trump said brusquely, “Gotta go now, lots of shitting and tweeting to do today. You understand.”
The president hung up. Eric was smiling ear to ear, and it only got better for him from there. Just then his assistant came into the room again.
“Mr. Trump, sir,” Eric’s assistant said, “it’s time for punch, cookies, coloring, and then nap time.”
Eric jumped in the air, pumping his fists.
“Woo-hoo,” Eric shouted, “this isn’t gonna be such a bad day after all!”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.