WASHINGTON, D.C. — In just a matter of a few short days, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders will leave her post and will go back to Arkansas for a meal in her home trough and some are speculating that she’ll run for governor, a post her father held before becoming the country’s best worst open mic stand-up comedian. But that will leave the Trump administration in need of a new Press Secretary, and the White House announced today that Stephanie Grisham, a longtime aide to First Lady Not Ivanka Trump, will take over the position.
But apparently sources close to Mr. Trump say Grisham narrowly beat out another candidate that was at the top of President Trump’s shortlist.
“One of my amazing supporters snapped a picture on his phone of a lying cow he found out in the middle of a field near his home,” Trump told reporters as he left the White House for his routine morning hot dog and nacho run, “and I immediately wanted her to take over for Sarah, until of course we decided to go with Stephanie, who will be just as good at not telling the truth for me as Sarah was.”
President Trump says he “likes consistency” and that “despite what the FAKE NEWS ANGRY DEMOCRAT 12 TRILLION ILLEGAL VOTING MEXICAN PRESS says,” he is not a fan of tumult and chaos in his administration.
“I wanted there to be a smooth transition. So smooth. Ivanka smooth,” Trump said, letting out a small sigh and moan. “Mmm. Smooth ‘Vanky. Wait. What was I saying? Oh, right, the lying cow who could take over for Sarah.”
The president said that he was “thinking of” the reporters in the press pool when he thought he might offer the cow in the field the Press Secretary job. He didn’t want the media to have to get to know a new secretary that was “too radically different” from Huckabee Sanders.
“I mean, when you see a lying cow, aren’t you reminded of Sarah? I know I am,” Trump mused.
There are many advantages to hiring a cow to be the press secretary, Trump announced.
“You can pay her in grass, and the fact of the matter is the cow’s jokes will be funnier than Sarah’s ever were,” Trump said. “Plus, we already had the barn put in when Sarah took over for Sean, so there wouldn’t be a need to for any additional structural changes to the White House itself.”
Trump says he’s very pleased that Ms. Grisham will be taking over for Huckabee Sanders, but warned that she’ll be on a “pretty tight leash.”
“If she doesn’t let me blame my farts on her like Sarah did this whole time, for example, she’s out,” Trump said, “and we’ll go with the lying cow instead, and if Sarah doesn’t want her old job back, then we’ll see if the bovine animal in the field wants it. We’ll see.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.