DIPSHIT COVE, MICHIGAN — Stephan Crowzer, a 36-year old self-described “die hard Trumper” told us that he’ll never, ever forget how the sunrise looked last Thursday morning.
He knew as he watched that hot ball of gas in the sky rise over the planet that he would make his mark that day, on Thanksgiving, and he did exactly that. Crowzer is a freedom loving patriot, and Thursday night, as he helped his mother clear the dishes from his family’s massive Thanksgiving get together, Stephan felt like he had truly struck a blow for freedom from sea to shining sea, because he’d defied his governors orders and took part in the Thanksgiving feast, despite the quarantine in place, and his family held the most memorable super-spreader event of his lifetime.
“We had all the stuff you need for a killer Thanksgiving — turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, and several asymptomatic cases of COVID-19,” Crowzer told us via Skype this morning. “Turns out, I was one of those people who had it. I knew I was sick, because I had some symptoms, but I couldn’t figure out why I’d have covid, just because cases are spiking bigly here in my city, so I went to Thanksgiving at Mom and Dad’s place anyway.”
This morning, Stephan got a call from his mother, informing him that his grandmother was taken to the hospital last night, complaining that she was feeling several coronavirus-related symptoms. Doctors are telling Crowzer’s mother that his grandmother has a hard, tough fight ahead of her, given that she is already immunocompromised and occasionally needs supplemental oxygen due to her chronic lunch problems.
“Sure, I feel bad for Memaw right now,” Stephan told us, “but no goddamn government’s gonna tell me which diseases I can or can’t spread to my family! I struck a blow for freedom last week, and no one can convince me otherwise!”
Stephan is considering a career in politics, as a result of what he’s seen during the pandemic.
“I’m sorry, but I cannot just sit back and watch this country become a place where people make sacrifices for each other,” Crowzer said, “because that’s not what America is about. It’s about turning your back on each other and saying taking care only of yourself and the people who you happen to care about. It’s why the Constitution starts with ‘I, the Most Important American,’ instead of some cuck word like ‘We’ or some other such shit.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.