Thursday, September 23, 2021

Gaetz Leaving Congress to Become Dean of Emissions at Liberty University

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Embattled Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) has decided it’s time to end his political career, according to several sources with knowledge of his future plans. Gaetz will soon resign his House seat and work in the private sector, becoming the Dean of Emissions at Liberty University.

“Matt has always been a champion of, not only girls twenty years or more younger than he is, but also education. Nothing will make him happier than taking his new job at Liberty University,” one of Gaetz’ friends, speaking on condition of anonymity and strip club lap dance discount cards told us. “He’s always looking for ways to help young people secure their futures. Particularly young women. As long as I’ve known him, he’s tried to guide and groom young women for the kinds of careers he’s seen them in the most.”

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Liberty University has had some less than positive public relations moments in the last couple of years. Jerry Falwell Jr, the former president of the school, is currently being sued by his former employer for a series of alleged financial improprieties. Falwell stands accused of funneling university funds to himself and his lover, his pool boy. According to Gaetz’ friend, Liberty University thinks Gaetz will “fit in perfectly” with the culture on campus.

“They understand what Matt’s going to bring to the table. From what he’s told me, they’ll put him in charge of managing a portfolio of young female co-eds looking for his special brand of guidance and exploitation,” our source said. “Religious universities might understand better than any other academic institution how vital it is for its faculty to be lecherous, hypocritical drunkards. Matt and Liberty seem truly like a perfect match for each other.”

Neither Liberty University nor Gaetz himself have announced what, exactly, his job duties will be as Dean of Emissions. Qongressman Gaetz’ friend told us, however, that his friend’s soon to be employer have “pretty much told him he has free reign.”

“If they put up with Falwell’s antics for so long before doing anything, imagine what a pro-MAGA demagogue will get away with,” Gaetz’ friend explained to us. “At this point, they don’t really care about protecting Christian values so much as convincing people they care about protecting Christian values.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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