Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Gaetz Reportedly Interested in Buying Neverland Ranch

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The office of Congressman Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) has confirmed this morning that he is currently “looking into” acquiring a piece of property in California. The real estate in question was once previously owned by the late pop star Michael Jackson.

“The congressman is just at this point putting his feelers out, groping for some answers, as to whether or not he can buy Neverland Ranch,” an aide to the Florida Republican told reporters today. “He’s got a real estate agent out in California, and they’re checking into some stuff, but we don’t have anything else to announce.”

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Gaetz’ aide indicated that their boss is interested in the property for “historical and practical reasons.”

“He loved MJ’s music, for starters, and really appreciates his contribution to pop music,” the aide explained. “But also, there were certain design elements of Neverland Ranch that appeal to Matt. He just feels like Mr. Jackson was such an inspiration to him in so many different ways, that just being somewhere so connected to the King of Pop will inspire Congressman Gaetz in his own, special, unique way.”

Last year, Neverland Ranch sold after years on the market for over $20 million. It’s unclear at this time if Gaetz can come up with a similar amount to offer the current owner. His aide, however, indicated he might have some “sources of revenue” to tap itno.

“As has been publicly reported, Representative Gaetz has been asked to join the faculty at Liberty University, as the Dean of Emissions,” Gaetz’ aide divulged. “He was promised a bigly salary, and he believes if that comes to fruition, he should be able to almost cash out on Neverland Ranch, which he would be quite happy about, as you can imagine.”

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If he doesn’t manage to buy Neverland Ranch, Gaetz has his eye on one more piece of property, though he might have an even harder time coming up with the cash to buy it than he would financing Neverland Ranch.

“Congressman Gaetz is also currently engaged with a realtor who is looking into the chances of him buying Jeff Epstein’s private island,” Gaetz’ staffer announced. “That’s of course a longer shot than Neverland, but the congressman is very keen on getting himself a property that was designed for what he likes to do in his leisure time.”

This story is developing.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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