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Thursday, September 21, 2023

Rep. George Santos Claims He Cured Cancer Right Before Being Sworn Into Office

Rep. George Santos (R-NY) is one of the newest members of the House of Representatives, and he represents one of a handful of votes the GOP needs to maintain their extremely narrow margin of majority. While it’s noteworthy that Santos flipped a long held Democratic seat, what is perhaps even more so is the fact that he apparently cured cancer just before being sworn into office.

“There I was, working in my lab – did I tell you all that I was a Nobel Prize winning cancer research director? Anyway, there I was, working in my cancer research lab,” Santos told reporters today, “when all of a sudden, it came to me. The cure for cancer! It was so simple, it had been staring me in the face the whole time!”

Santos claims he found the cure for every single cancer on the planet, and that he had his research assistant confirm the results.

“Nessie was quite sure that I had done it, too, once he looked over my work. But just to be on the safe side,” Santos explained, “I had Sasquatch and Santa Claus do the peer review stuff. Turns out, I nailed it! Absolutely nailed it. Needless to say, I’m pretty excited that I cured cancer.”

When asked to see his cancer cure, however, Santos quickly patted his all his pockets, and put his hands inside them, but pulled out an empty hand each time.

“Oh, umm, I think I left it in my other suit. Sorry guys! Ask me tomorrow. But not before my early morning squash game with Jesus and the president of the unicorn polo league, okay?”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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