CABEZA MIERDA, TEXAS — Former President George W. Bush left the public spotlight in January of 2009 when Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th president. Throughout Obama’s two terms, Mr. Bush was usually mum on most subjects. Some have speculated it’s because of how strongly public sentiment had turned against Bush — the Iraq War and his administration’s response to the quickly unfolding economic collapse of the Great Recession — that he has largely kept to himself since leaving office.
Even during the bombastic and chaotic times of the Donald Trump presidency, Mr. Bush has maintained a level of public silence, but no more. Speaking to reporters in front of a Home Depot near his ranch, Bush criticized Trump for reports that the sitting president considered using nuclear weapons on hurricanes before they made landfall. Bush told the media that Trump “acting a fool” and “not thinking clearly.”
“First of all,” Bush said, loading six gallons of paint into truck bed, “I’m not even saying it’s a bad idea, really, but he’s gotta work on his pronuncification of words! And besides, everyone knows you gotta use nukes on earthquakes. I mean, duh. That’s what they teach you in Presidenting School on the first day! You carpet bomb hurricanes!”
In Mr. Bush’s estimation, President Trump’s behavior “shows a real lack of educationating” and a “dangerous lack of understandantment” about how nuclear technology works.
“Hell, he can’t even pronounce it right! Every time I hear him talk about ‘new-clee-urr’ weapons it makes my back teeth itch,” Bush said as he piled some lumber into his truck bed, next to the paint cans, “and he should prolly learn how to pronounce it right before he uses them. They’re called NOOKULAR weapons, man! Get it right, sheesh!”
Bush also told reporters that he’s largely been “quite satisfied” with Trump’s presidency thus far.
“Oh, not because I like what he’s done, generally,” Bush explained, “even we barely literate morons know that tariff wars are stupid and you can’t be anti-immigrant if you are a nation of immigrants that’s always depended on immigrants and the work they do. And I don’t recall ever getting the urge to look right at an eclipse or call myself the Chosen One! Sure, Dick called himself that all the time, but whenever he did, we’d joke about how that’s proof his name is Dick!”
Mr. Bush continued to load various building materials into his truck bed.
“The point I’m making is that generally his presidency has been great for me and mine,” Bush said. “It’s like, if the last person you saw was an idiot, you’d be thinking about what an idiot that guy was all day, maybe. But if right after the idiot left, you met a guy who was a total moron and also smelled like shit and said beyond racist stuff, you’d focus more on him, and forget all about that other complete and total idiot.”
Former President Bush bade the reporters farewell.
“See y’all later, I gotta go home and build myself an art studio,” Bush said, motioning toward the things in the back. “Maybe that’s what Don should do when this is all over. Maybe he should paint like I do. People seem to be willing to forgive all sorts of terrible things you did if you paint terrible portraits of things and shut up for awhile. Then again, shutting up isn’t ever going to be his thing, is it? So I dunno. Hopefully he learns himself how to be a much more smarterer person one day.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”