ENFANT MARIÉE PEAK, GEORGIA — Skeeter McCoy was spotted at the Eternal Gardens mortuary, funeral home, and cemetery today. What brought McCoy to the cemetery, however, was not anything he was expecting to have to take care of last week. However, by the time Republicans in the Georgia state legislature had passed their sweeping new abortion ban, it was a trip he knew he had to make.
Skeeter, a 37-year-old pro-life Evangelical Christian has been married and divorced twice, and still maintains quite good relationships with both cousins, which is very proud of. McCoy has six children, three from each marriage. However, today Skeeter was picking out a burial plot for some progeny of his that, in his words, “never went from goo to goo-goo-gah-gah.” Skeeter was at Eternal Gardens to choose a place to bury his favorite, old gym sock, which he says has been his “steady and constant lover and companion” since his second divorce in 2007.
“What can I say? As a good, clean, ammo hoarding Christian patriot, I didn’t want to have unprotected, out of wedlock sex, so I made sure to always have ol’ Socky on standby,” Skeeter told us via Skype. “Of course I would have liked to have found the companionship of a lady during that time frame, but well, things don’t always work out like that. Socky was always there for me, but now things are different in this state.”
This past week, Georgia joined a growing number of red states that are directly challenging the landmark 1973 Roe vs Wade Supreme Court decision that affirmed the right of every woman to terminate a pregnancy before the medical viability of the fetus she caries. Proponents of the harsh new laws, some of which criminalize abortions at all stages of pregnancy, even before many women know they’re pregnant, say they’re about protecting the “unborn.” Skeeter said it seems like it’s only a matter of time before the “move the goalposts back a little more.”
“I mean, if we’re talking about unborn babies, you don’t get much more unborn-ed than my baby batter,” Skeeter explained. “It’s only gonna be but a matter of time before they move the goalposts back a little more and give personhood to semen, maybe even precum!”
Mr. McCoy decided to buy the burial plot for Socky to avoid any legal trouble down the line.
“My thinking is that if I’ve already honored the never fertilized in this way, I can give them a receipt and take them to the burial plot,” Skeeter said. “And show them how much I cherish and understand how precious life is. Plus, in all reality it’s prolly time for a new sock. Socky’s getting a little crusty, and I’ve never brought myself to washing it because there are so many fond memories stuck to it.”
Services for Socky will be held at Eternal Gardens next Wednesday. In lieu of flowers, Skeeter asks that mourners donate to the United Seed Rag Fund, a charity that provides low income men with socks to release their goo into.
“It’s for Socky. Do it in Socky’s memory,” Skeeter said. “It won’t be easy to replace Socky, I know that. But then again, Wal*Mart’s got a 10-pack of tube socks for eight bucks, so I’m sure I’ll be just fine.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.