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Wednesday, May 31, 2023

Giuliani Insists He Was Just Going to Tuck-In His Shirt to Completion

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — Stumbling up to a throng of reporters outside his Manhattan apartment building, former Mayor Rudy Giuliani once more attempted to explain his side of the story about a now infamous scene in the new Borat film.

Last week, just hours before Borat Subsequent Moviefilm premiered on Amazon Video, news about one scene in particular — an interview Giuliani did with a female actress posing who was playing Borat’s daughter Tutar — and the news wasn’t all that flattering. Various accounts described a moment in which the former mayor, alone in a hotel bedroom with Tutar, laid down on the bed and put his hands down the front of his pants. The implication in the comedy film’s editing is that he was perhaps fondling himself before actor and satirist Sacha Baron Cohen, dressed in character as Borat, broke into the room and stopped Giuliani from doing anything more.

MORE: Donald Trump Has Many Things In Common With Abraham Lincoln. Here Are Just Some Of Them.

Giuilani’s initial response to the scene making headlines was to call it a “complete fabrication.” Using his twitter account, Mayor Giuliani asserted that the only thing he was doing was “tucking in” his shirt after having removed “the recording equipment,” after filming had completed. Mr. Giuliani said that if Mr. Baron Cohen attempts to frame what happened in any other light, “he is a stone-cold liar.”

“Folks, I’ve already tried to address this on my Twitter account,” Mayor Giuliani explained today, “but I can tell that you all just were not listening, or maybe didn’t understand my explanation. So, please, let me try again.”

Giuliani reached down into the lectern on which the microphones recording his voice were placed. From somewhere out of sight, he produced a large carafe of scotch. Pulling a twisty straw from his pocket, Giuliani slammed the straw down into the carafe and started taking enormous sips from the scotch as he spoke, burping several times as he did.

“Look, look, lemme explain myself, okay? This is really easy to understand if you shut your worthless libtard pie holes for a second,” Giuliani yelled. “All I was going to do is tuck my shirt in, okay! I was just going to tuck, and then un-tuck, tuck, and then un-tuck, tuck and then untuck untl, you know, I went, ‘Uhhhh’ and a little bit of white stuff came out the top. No big whoop, GEEZ.”

Giuliani blasted Baron Cohen for including the scene in the movie, calling it “revenge almost-porn.”

“Now, granted, I didn’t actually get to tuck my shirt in to completion, but if I had, then this would be a clear-cut case of revenge porn,” Giuliani explained. “I have to say, I’m still quite blue balled over the whole incident, and if I can’t sue Sacha for embarrassing me with my own words and actions, then I will look very strongly into leaving me with the absolute worst case of blue balls I’ve had since my last family reunion.”

Mayor Giuliani thanked everyone for their time, and headed off to the nearest bar, where he said he planned to spend the rest of the week.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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