WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani made headlines a couple of days ago when he accidentally “butt-dialed” a reporter and could be heard bemoaning the fact that he needed more money and to dig up dirt on the Biden family. This morning, however, another rectally related phone call was made by Mr. Giuliani, who has been serving as President Trump’s personal attorney and personal Secretary of Political Muckraking.
“President Trump’s butt received a phone call from Mr. Giuliani’s mouth this morning, just after breakfast,” White House adviser Kellyanne Conway told reporters as she came into work today. “We have an unofficial policy around here to immediately connect Rudy to the president, and just because he was calling the president’s butt, that doesn’t change anything. In fact, we looked into it, and literally calling his ass is exactly like calling his face, so we connected them right away.”
The first thing Mr. Giuliani said to the president’s anus was a compliment about how good his breath smelled.
“You know what’s interesting here, Don? My fingers didn’t dial you, my mouth did! But hey, now that I have you on the line, Mr. President’s Butt, sir, I can smell from here, over the phone, how wonderful your breath smells,” Giuliani began, “and I have to say, that’s a real accomplishment. I mean, I don’t want to speak out of turn, but I’ve been downwind of a few presidential butt holes, and you, sir, have the best breath. Did you eat…dare I ask…KFC for breakfast today?”
Trump’s rectum farted in the affirmative.
“Oh, I knew it! I just knew it! I mean, I knew I had pretty good odds, given that the only things you eat for breakfast are KFC, mini chocolate donuts smashed up and snorted through your pee-pee hole, and nacho cheese covered hot dogs,” Giuliani admitted. “Still, you gotta give me credit for detecting the subtle bouquet of extra tasty crispy batter and gravy.”
Trump’s butt hole farted again, indicating this time that he agreed; Mr. Giuliani did deserve credit for how well he could smell the food on his breath.
“Mr. President’s butt, if I may, I know your time is limited and precious, and I really just had a very simple question to ask this morning. Then, I can let you get on with your day,” Mr. Giuliani said. “I know it takes a lot of effort to help the president tweet his most intelligent tweets, but I always know as long as you, President Trump’s asshole, is involved, the tweets will be exactly on brand.”
The president’s anus farted that he was ready for Giuliani’s question.
“Okay, so I was just calling, sir, to ask if you were feeling like you needed a kiss,” Giuliani asked. “I know you and Melania don’t exactly have much time for intimacy these days, what with her actually despising you and wishing she’d been able to get the Stormy Daniels special instead of having to barnacle her virtually talentless ass to your certifiably untalented self. And Ivanka’s been out of the country locking down all those totally legal and totally cool business deals. So I figured you might be experiencing a lack of kissing, and I can’t stand that thought.”
Another fart in response.
“Wait. Who’s there right now, you say,” Giuliani asked.
A short, business-like fart.
“Stephen Miller’s already there, slobbering over you? Damn, he’s always in the way,” Giuliani said.
Yet another, wetter fart this time.
“And Lindsey Graham too? Shit. I really thought when McCain kicked the bucket he’d be too busy trying to dig him to kiss his ass instead of yours,” Giuliani admitted. “So there are two people in front of me already this morning?”
A series of rapid fire farts could be heard on the line.
“Wait. Mick Mulvaney, Mike Huckabee, and Sean Hannity are all down there too? How the hell do they fit – you know what? Never mind that,” Mr. Giuliani almost shouted. “I’m coming over right now to get in line. I had no idea I’d have to queue up to kiss you, but it makes sense. You do like to surround yourself with opportunistic gutter snipes, and as one of the snipe-y-est of snipes, I should have planned ahead.”
A concise fart.
“Yes, yes, you’re right of course sir. I better get down there right away before Laura Ingraham shows up. That Nazi really knows how to French kiss an ass,” Giuliani said, before catching himself. “Oh! Sorry! I meant Freedom Kiss. She knows how to Freedom Kiss. You know, replacing French with Freedom reminds me of 9/11. Did I ever tell you about 9/11? About how I was Mayor of New York City when it happened? Man! How did I almost get through an entire conversation without mentioning 9/11? I must be off my stride.”
The phone call ended as Mr. Giuliani promised to be at the White House by the late afternoon to give Trump’s butt the kiss he promised it.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.