KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Larry “God” Schumway issued an urgent press release this morning, apologizing for what he’s calling his “sloppy aim.”
“I’d blame it on my eyesight getting worse at my age, but I guess when you’re infinity years old and the most all-powerful entity in the known universe, that’s not really a good excuse,” God writes. “Suffice to say, that I’m going to take a few more classes down at the range in the next couple of months, because obviously my aim simply cannot be taken for granted at this point; as much as it pains me to admit.”
This past weekend, President Donald J. Trump’s younger brother, Robert, died at the age of 71. His cause of death has so far not been publicized, leading some to speculate it could have been COVID-19 related. At any rate, God says that he “didn’t really mean to take that Trump,” and that he was “trying to help humanity out and do them a solid,” but his aim wasn’t accurate, and the wrong Trump was hit with his smite-ray instead.
“It is with heavy heart I share that my wonderful brother, Robert, peacefully passed away tonight,” Donald Trump said in a statement. “He was not just my brother, he was my best friend. He will be greatly missed, but we will meet again. His memory will live on in my heart forever. Robert, I love you. Rest in peace.” (AL.com)
“This happens from time to time. My sights get to where they need to be retuned and retrained,” God admitted. “However, I promise you all that it was my intention to do the whole of humanity and favor this past weekend. I know it must add insult to injury for me to have come so close and missed, but what can I say? These things happen from time to time.”
In order to ensure that his aim improves in the future, God has decided to spend “lots more quality time” at the practice range.
“Everybody needs a little refresher from time to time. Even I do, believe it or not,” God said. “Smiting people is harder than it looks. I’m, like, way, way up here, and you’re all way, way down there. I’m not even going to get into how often this kind of thing happens, but it’s always way worse when I set out to do a really good thing, and just straight up choke and miss my shot.”
Schumway concedes that it “might have been problematic and difficult” if he didn’t miss and Robert Trump had survived this weekend. It’s “dicey,” God said, any time a sitting world leader is taken out of the living realm. However, he said, when he thought about the pros and cons and weighed them all out, any angle he looked at it from, Schumway found himself believing that he had made the right call.
“The most free country in the world is sliding into violent fascist authoritarianism and watching their elections be dismantled from within, and it’s all this guy’s fault,” God said. “As the one in the universe with the most direct means to fix a lot of this shit, I thought it was time to make a bold move. But then, I missed. This is all on me and sloppy aim. I’ll get better, I promise.”
God’s letter closes with a reminder that Election Day is November 3rd, and that “everyone should do everything in their power to make sure their vote is counted.”
“You may not have the power to take care of that arrogant white collar crook the way I can,” God wrote, “but you have some pretty awesome powers at your own disposal as well. So if you have to crawl over each other to make sure your votes are counted, do it. I can’t promise you I’ll be able to line up another shot before November 3rd.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.