Tuesday, September 21, 2021

God Sent 40 Million Prayers for Donald Trump Straight to Voicemail

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — This past weekend, Franklin Graham called for a “Special Day of Prayer” for President Donald J. Trump. Mr. Trump announced the day of prayer himself, retweeting Graham, but those tweets appear to have been deleted, perhaps because of the sheer number of negative responses. However, by the actual day of prayer, Graham had tweeted another few times about it.

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This morning, Larry “God” Shumway held a press conference and was asked about the Day of Prayer for Trump. God, CEO of Holy Trinity, Inc., said that his secretary made him aware of the Day of Prayer a couple days in advance. He advised her to “send them all to voicemail,” God said.

“I told her I didn’t want to hear prayers for the guy who is kidnapping kids from their parents,” God said. “I don’t want to hear the guy who is making life harder on poor people because they have brown skin and that offends his knuckle-dragging base. I mean, praying for Donald Trump is like asking the fire department to put your house out with carpet bombs and a blow torch.”

God said he didn’t think it was “at all fair or appropriate” for him to answer prayers for Trump while there are “way more deserving people suffering because of him.”

“It’s funny; I didn’t get 40 million prayers to help the poor refugees or even their children. And I’m pretty sure my son was literally a poor refugee whose family was desperate for safety and shelter,” God said. “How can any of these people who support Trump call themselves Christians and follow my son’s teachings? Hell, I didn’t even get 40 million prayers asking for an end to the senseless gun violence problem. In fact, I got 40 million additional prayers asking me to make it so they can arm third graders. Something is broken down there, fam.”

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Schumway says he has no intention of ever listening to any of the voicemails.

“Do you ever go back and listen to voicemails from annoying telemarketers? Of course not,” God said. “And these people are basically just shilling for Trump. I hate to break to everyone out there in MAGA-Land, but I’m the last guy that’s gonna be on their team. I mean, I don’t actually do Earthly politics anyway, and again, if they’d just read my book they’d know it. But if I did do Earthly politics there is no way in Hell that I would support a guy whose world views and rhetoric not only don’t align with me or my son, but that actually run completely contradictory to us. And you’re either stupid or a snake oil selling charlatan pharisee if you think I would.”

President Trump, reached for comment, called God an “Angry Democrat cuck.”

“Who died and made him God, anyway,” Trump was overheard shouting at no one in particular while he sat on the toilet and did Executive Time.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

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