WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, Rep. Louie Gohmert, a Texas Republican, told reporters outside a prayer breakfast this morning that he thinks FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s congressional testimony yesterday was a “complete and total, unmitten-gated disaster” for the Democrats. Gohmert, a smile on his face and gravy in his heart, told the press he was “pleased as cake” to have his “pie and eat it to.”
“It just felt so good to thoroughly eviscerate and destroy the guy who our side says wrote a report that totally and completely exonerates him,” Gohmert said, “no matter how much he told us literally and directly yesterday he didn’t exonerate him.”
Rep. Gohmert admits that Democrats got Mueller to say unequivocally that Trump could be indicted once he left office. Rep. Gohmert also admitted he could “see how it might look” like Democrats also got Mueller on record as saying that were Trump not president, there would be no office of legal counsel guidelines from preventing him from being indicted. However, Gohmert dismissed all of that because he says the GOP “won the battle of the optics.”
“I am confident beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have destroyed the credibility of Bob Mueller, the man who was so biased he led a witch hunt against the president,” Gohmert yelled for no reason since microphones were right in front of his face. “An ultimately fully exonerating angry Democrat witch hunt coup.”
For a brief moment, Gohmert seemed to understand the paradox of his rhetoric.
“Of course, I’m not 100% sure how it’s all gonna make sense in my brain once I stop talking,” Gohmert said, “but usually that’s why I just never, ever, ever shut the hell up. Ever.”
Despite the fact that the Mueller Report documents more than ten incidents of President Trump committing acts that at least warrant investigation into obstruction of justice, Gohmert says the whole report should be “shredded and used to line the cages we’re putting brown babies in.”
“Just don’t shred the parts that exonerate the president,” Gohmert warned. “But you know what? You could just save the Barr summary and shred the report! That’s actually the best, and only, thought I’ve had all day! I’m-a-gonna go send President Trump an email and see what he thinks about that. I bet he gives me a pat on the back and treat! Ooooh boy, I sure do love me some treats. And sleeping with my relatives, but I’ll settle for a treat now. YEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAW!”
Gohmert produced a confederate flag from inside his suit pocket, wrapped himself in it, and snapped his fingers. Fiddles playing “Dixie” could be heard in the distance. The ghost of Robert E. Lee rode up on a horse of the apocalypse, hoisted Gohmert onto it like a sack of lumpy, rotten potatoes, and rode off into the horizon.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”