COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Authorities are telling media outlets that after a tense standoff, an older woman described some interested parties as “sinister, evil, and clearly socialist” has been chased away from a local man’s residence. The woman, 64-year-old grandmother of eight Helen Wright, is a volunteer tasked by the Biden administration with knocking on doors in her area, and asking anyone who answers if they’re vaccinated against COVID-19 yet, and if not, would they like information on how to obtain a vaccine.
“This is clearly the most tyrannical, overreaching action any president in the history of the United States has undertaken,” Jethro Bohiggins, the man who had chased Ms. Wright away, told us via Skype. “How dare the Biden Commie Regime ask our fellow Americans to check up on their neighbors. I mean, where did all this love thy neighbor crap come from, because it sounds like a boatload of socialist mumbo-jumbo, and I want to smack whoever said it first! This is a Christian nation, and we don’t need no damn charity; just hard work and bootstraps!”
Bohiggins, a 42 year old right-wing YouTube podcaster and singer/songwriter, said he was “highly incensed” when he opened the front door to his double-wide after Wright had knocked politely on it.
“Can you imagine the o-dacity it takes to do such a thing? To come to my door, as a jack-loafered granny and start demanding all kinds-a private informationals,” Bohiggins howled. “It’s just not right. Good patriots died for this country’s freedoms, and this woman was coming to literally kill my freedoms with socialism!”
Initially, Jethro didn’t know that Wright was there to do. As soon as she asked him about the COVID vaccine, however, Bohiggins said he was alarmed. He immediately sprung into action.
“There she was, politely asking me if I’d considered getting a COVID vaccine shot, and I realized this was how it was gonna go down. First I get vaccinated,” Bohiggins said, “and then here comes the FEMA camps and the forced gay marriages. I had just woken up, so I had my sleepin’ gun still strapped to my hip, and I drew down on that granny so hard and so fast it coulda made her head spin right off her neck!”
Wright, who immediately fled when Bohiggins put his gun in her face, told the police she was scared, but not surprised by the reaction she got from him.
“People around these parts like to pretend that Chicago has way more guns and gun violence than we do down here in MAGA-Land, but that’s just because they don’t wanna talk about it,” Wright told a local news reporters. “This wasn’t the first, and won’t be the last time I get a gun pulled on me around here. But since I believe in trying to help people help themselves, I won’t stop knocking on doors.”
Bohiggins said he “cannot wait” for Donald Trump to be “reinstated to his rightful place on his throne,” and he will punish Biden, and volunteers like Wright for their “egregious and oppressive polite inquiries and encouragements.”
“This is quite frankly the most disgusting thing the American government has ever undertaken. I was just telling my friend, who’s a member of the Sequoia band of natives about it the other day,” Bohiggins explained, “and the way he rolled his eyes and gave me the finger, I could tell he agreed with me. This is so much worse than slavery, and I hate to say it, even the Holocaust, which I’m not 100% sure happened, but if I did, I know this is worse. Trump will fix it though; like he fixes everything he touches.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.