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Wednesday, December 8, 2021

Greene: “Why’s Everyone So Afraid of the Delta Variant When They Can Still Fly United?”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Freshman Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) is a mask and vaccine skeptic. Ms. Greene has not publicly divulged whether she’s taken a COVID-19 vaccine, but she has consistently cast doubt on the efficacy of masks in the prevention of the spread of the novel coronavirus.

Today, during a press conference with fellow Congressional Guano Caucus co-chair Rep. Lauren Boebert (Q-CO), Greene said that she is confused by the rising concerns over the delta variant of COVID-19. Greene told reporters she doesn’t “fear much of anything,” but she certainly is not afraid of the delta variant.

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“The only things I’m afraid of are gun grabbers, socialist libtard commie cucks, and getting a bucket of water thrown on me,” Greene said. “So me personally? I ain’t afraid of no Delta variant, and I don’t think nobody should be a-scared of it, neither!”

Greene said that in her estimation, people are “gettin’ a-feared” about the delta variant without thinking about the situation fully.

“This is America, fam! We aren’t commies! We have competition! You’re not locked into one airline,” Greene shouted after taking a big hit from her ever-present crack pipe. “I don’t get it. Why’s everyone so afraid of the Delta Variant when they can still fly United? Or Southwest. Hell, you could fly Spirit Air if you really wanted to!”

At this morning’s presser, Greene once more attacked the idea of a congressional investigation into the events of January 6th, 2021. Greene blasted the special select committee announced by Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) this week as a “partisan attempt to hold a deadly, violent domestic terrorist cult accountable” and she will do everything in her power to stop it. As we reported last month, Greene called the investigation into the insurrection a “waste of time.”

“I’m sorry, but as an independent small business owner and crackhead, I learned that sometimes you gotta go with your gut,” Greene said this morning, alternating between answering reporters’ questions and smoking crack, “and right now my gut tells me the so-called commission would just be a massive waste of time. Because we already know what happened.”

Rep. Greene then explained that “it’s obvious to real patriotic Americans” that it wasn’t a pro-Trump mob that attacked Congress that day. It was, Greene insisted, a “gang of thugs dressed up in MAGA gear” to fool the American people. In her estimation, the people who ransacked the capitol were “hired and paid by George Soros’ Antifa.”

“It’s a waste of time to investigate why Antifa dressed as MAGA and stormed the capitol. The why doesn’t matter, not as much as all accepting that alternative narrative as fact,” Greene said pointedly. “The commission would just be another way to drag the completely clean, untarnished, uncorrupted reputation of Dear President Donald Trump through the mud, and I’m not having any of that.” (AltFacts)

“My advice to everyone is go out, live your life. See your family, have your barbecues, stockpile guns and ammo,” Greene said, “burn a cross, bomb an abortion clinic. You know, be an American patriot! Don’t worry about the Delta variant, because once that’s handled, they’ll be trying to scare you about the JetBlue Variant!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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