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Thursday, August 18, 2022

Walking, Talking BM Trash Talks BLM

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A walking, talking bowel movement took to the floor of the House of Representatives yesterday and delivered a long-winded speech. The subject of the anthropomorphized feces’ soliloquy? The unfair treatment of insurrectionist MAGA nation patriots versus the treatment of people protesting the extrajudicial homicide of people of color at the hands of the police.

“It was the most disgusting and yet intriguing thing I’ve seen in all my time covering politics,” one Hill reporter told us after witnessing everything. “Initially, I was under the impression it was just a horse faced cave troll, but I realized pretty quickly it was actually a horse faced cave troll who is literally made of shit. Actual shit. Human shit, I’m talking about here.”

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Among America’s right-wing, Black Lives Matter — a movement whose sole purpose is to stand up for black Americans’ right to due process — has become a lightning rod for invective and angry rhetoric. After several high-profile cases in which white officers killed black suspects, some protests turned violent, causing injuries and billions in property damage. MAGA faithful, ever loyal to what matters most, have rallied around the objects, very likely covered by insurance policies, and have demanded justice for the inanimate things that were broken in protest of cops indiscriminately killing people of color.

The social justice protests and riots have also become a rhetorical shield for Republicans wishing to change the subject from the January 6th, 2021 insurrection they fostered and encouraged. If there’s one horse faced cave troll and human-fecal hybrid life form who likes to rile up the MAGA base by smearing Black Lives Matter, it’s Qongresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia.

Yesterday, in protest of the bipartisan January 6th commission that is tasked with investigating her golf buddies, Greene delivered a speech that lasted more than 15 minutes in which she assailed Democrats for not being more concerned about insured private property than they are about black people being killed in the streets.

While giving her speech, Ms. Greene’s personal Twitter account called Black Lives Matters a “domestic terrorist organization.” Experts note that if anyone would know about domestic terrorist organizations, it’s a woman who is intimately familiar with insurrectionists.

Congressional historians have noted that Ms. Greene’s speech was significant for several reasons.

“Well, just right off the bat, I can’t recall any primary source accounts of an actual piece of shit coming to life and giving a speech on the House floor,” historian Burt Thompson told us. “It’s also, perhaps, the highest recorded irony in American history. A violent psychopathic terrorist accusing other people of being terrorists and not being struck dead be lightning on the spot? That’s pretty damn historic, if you ask me.”

It’s been an up and down week for Qongresswoman Greene. As much as she was excited to get more attention, thanks to her floor speech, she was also given some disappointing news. As we reported, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has once more turned down Greene’s demand for a debate, citing the fact that Ocasio-Cortez doesn’t debate terrorists.

“I don’t negotiate or debate with domestic terrorists, Margo,” Ocasio-Cortez’s statement reads. “I’m so very sorry to disappoint you, but something tells me you’ll find some other way to occupy your time while you suck off the taxpayers’ teat. If at any point you want to denounce the January 6th insurrectionists, we still won’t debate, but it’ll help soften your image of a wild-eyed, bleach blonde crackhead domestic terrorist in training into a slightly less crazy, wild-eyed, bleach blonde crackhead domestic terrorist in training.” (AltFacts)

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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