WASHINGTON, D.C. — The President of the United States has received an official communique from the government of Greenland, thanking him for his “kind and generous offer” to purchase the entire country, but ultimately politely rejecting it altogether.
“Mr. President,” the letter opens, “In regards to your proposal re: purchasing Greenland, we’d like to first and foremost thank you for the kind and generous offer. However, at this time Greenland is not for sale, and we must decline it. We hope you do not take personal offense to our rejection, but we also understand, given your long time in the public spotlight, that you are easily offended, extremely thin-skinned, and quite reactionary, so we will be fully prepared for your angry tweets, once you have your staff read this letter to you during Executive Time.”
The Greenland government essentially turned down Trump’s offer to buy them for one simple reason — they don’t believe he can “understand even the most basic principles of economics, much less running a country, much less running a business” without it “failing both tragically and spectacularly.”
“As much fun as we think being driven into bankruptcy by a complete and total moron and his moron friends, we must pass at this time. Basically, President Trump, we don’t have a need or desire to be run into the ground,” the letter reads, “and we’re just not quite ready to be driven into bankruptcy yet. We certainly did give your proposal all the consideration it was due. We debated it over Trump Steaks that we washed down with Trump bottled water, and we came to the conclusion that you don’t have even the foggiest clue how to run anything. We have a feeling that even if you opened a business called ‘Fat Orange Fascist Moron Opinions,’ and charged people millions of dollars to hear yours, that you’d be bankrupt within a week.”
Greenland’s letter states that their economy is in “better shape than the majority of businesses” tht Trump has started.
“We were going to come stay at Trump Taj Majal and give you the news in person while you were golfing in New Jersey, but for some reason, we couldn’t get anyone on the reservation line to pick up,” Greenland’s letter chides Trump. “Which is weird, because a casino going bankrupt because it wasn’t making enough money seems like it’d be a direct indictment of how crappily it was run. But hey, maybe there’s something about American business models we just don’t get. Maybe you’re so used to golfing, you think the business with the least amount of money wins? Not sure, but we’re definitely not selling to you, guy.”
Reportedly, Mr. Trump is extremely upset that his offer was summarily rejected by Greenland. Sources within the White House say the president has been extra pouty today, and has thrown his iPhone out of his crib at several points. Reportedly, he’s being soothed with old tapes of The Apprentice and boudoir photos of his First Lady.
“I am very mad right now! Very mad,” Trump could be heard shouting at his staff, “but seeing these pictures of my beautiful daughter Ivanka always puts a smile on my face, and a tent in my pants. So you win some, you lose some. Except me. I never lose. Even when I score fewer points. I just scream, ‘ELECTORAL COLLEGE RULES!’ and declare myself the winner. You know, like winners do.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”