Trump Wishes Greta Thunberg Would Speak at Third Grade Level So He Could Mock Her Intelligence

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, 16 year old climate activist Greta Thunberg delivered a powerful and emotional speech at the United Nations. Ms. Thunberg has been leading a school strike of other students who are protesting the lack of concrete action being taken to mitigate the effects of climate change. In perhaps what will go down in history as one of the most memorable moments of her burgeoning influence and platform, Thunberg was seen glaring daggers at Trump as he passed her.

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Mr. Trump wielded the power of the office of the presidency, and mocked the teenage girl to his millions of Twitter followers later in the day.

Close followers of the president’s Twitter account might have noticed something odd about Trump’s tweet. Mocking someone, even a teenager, isn’t what was odd, however. The fact that he didn’t insult Ms. Thunberg’s intelligence or intellect, is, however, quite strange. One of Trump’s go-to attacks on people is to call them “stupid” or “dumb” or imply they have lower-IQs. But instead, Mr. Trump just mocked the seriousness and gravitas of Ms. Thunberg’s speeches.

Coming out of the White House to go get some stamps, the press pool spotted President Trump this morning. They stopped him on the front lawn, and asked him about mocking a young girl. Reporters specifically asked why he didn’t insult her intelligence. After all, he’s called elected officials like Rep. Maxine Waters dumb before, but why not Thurnberg? Trump explained his thinking.

“Well, for starters, I couldn’t. Okay? I just couldn’t,” Trump said.

“Couldn’t bring yourself to mock a child for simply caring about the planet she has to still live on once we’re all dead,” a reporter asked.

“No! What kind of bullshit question – you know what, get him out of here,” Trump signalled to Stephen Miller, who came over to the reporter and ushered him out. “That’s better. I only like free press that’s nice press. Anyway, I couldn’t pick on her intelligence because I can’t understand her!”

Trump was asked if he couldn’t understand Thunberg’s accent.

“I mean I don’t get it. She’s too uppity. Too high-falutin’, if you know what I mean,” Trump shouted at the reporters. “I literally couldn’t understand what she was saying because she was using all those big words! It’s like, tone it down, Little Not Ivanka! If you want this president’s attention, you’re going to have to keep it to a third grade level max. A lot of people don’t realize how many of our greatest leaders have had had just barely a third grade level of knowledge and understanding. But it’s most of them, really. Or at least that’s what the people I pay to tell me things tell me, so who are you going to believe?”

Mr. Trump said he “really, really, really wanted” to insult her intelligence, but Thunberg’s vocabulary was far too advanced.

“Nothing would have made me happier, or more presidential, than to give her the AOC treatment,” Trump said. “But she went had to speak all intelligently and stuff, and well, that left me no choice but to go a different route with my mocking.”

President Trump said he could “come up with a million good zingers” to insult Thunberg’s intelligence with, if she would only agree to “Don Jr. it down a little.”

“If this Gretel chick wants to get my attention, she needs to bring her out loud talking words down a notch or ten,” Trump said. “She needs to pretend like she’s speaking to my third smartest son, and Don Jr. it down a little. Not for me, you understand. I’m incredibly intelligent. For my speechwriters. Not that I don’t come up with my own hilarious tweets all by myself. I totally do. I’m very smart, you see. But she still needs to stop talking all smart-like.”

Before tottering off to go get the stamps, Trump also commented on Thunberg potentially winning a Nobel Prize for her climate activism.

“That would be just tragic, if you ask me, for her to get a No Bell Prize before I did,” Trump said. “If anyone deserves it’s a prize for not having any bells, it’s me. I have No Bells. I’ve never owned a single bell! In fact, I don’t even let bells get anywhere near me. No alarm clocks! No bells! So if that little girl gets a prize for having no bells before the guy who’s spent his whole life not having any bells, then I think clearly we need to have the Department of Justice and my attorney, Bill Barr, look into what happened there.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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