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Friday, March 24, 2023

Heidi Cruz Asks Trump For Ted’s Balls Back So He Can Suntan Them

Fox News host, and White Nationalist Magazine’s “Nazi Cuntwhistle of the Year” for fifteen consecutive years, Tucker Carlson, recently had a guest on his show who gave some rather head-turning advice to men who have lower amounts of testosterone:

They should sun tan their testicles.

It’s still very unclear what scientific data might or might not prove regarding the efficacy of increasing testosterone by tanning one’s fruit basket. However, it didn’t take long for right-wing media to turn tanning one’s nuts into the Ivermectin and Hydroxychloroquine of Hormone Treatments. Reports from various rural areas throughout the country are that large numbers of unwashed incels have dropped their AR-15s and their trousers, and are now gathering in large groups in open fields and farmland, positioning their balls in such a way as to maximize the sunlight that can reach them.

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The ball-tanning craze has moved so rapidly throughout conservative America that, reportedly, a sitting Senator’s wife has petitioned a former president for custody of her husband’s testicles, so they may be tanned, thereby increasing her husband’s testosterone levels. An anonymous source at the former president’s South Florida luxury resort told us via Zoom that Sen. Ted Cruz’s (Q-Cancun) wife had attempted to reach former President Trump today, shortly after learning about ball tanning.

“Heidi Cruz called the Mar-A-Lago switch board earlier this morning and identified herself as Ugly Heidi. She wanted to speak to the former, one-term, twice permanently impeached president, and she said it was an urgent matter regarding her husband’s Bonginos, which is what Republicans call testicles since that’s what Dan Bongino’s head looks like.”

Mrs. Cruz told the Mar-A-Lago switchboard operator that she was hoping she or her husband could negotiate to regain custody of Ted’s balls from Trump. She indicated to the operator that she would demand her husband then immediately start tanning his testes.

“She told the operator that she hasn’t seen Ted as anything other than a spineless worm for decades, but that she thought it might have been his lack of testosterone. She kept calling him a soyboybetacuck,” our source said. “The operator said it sounded like Heidi was treating it like a therapy session. Then Heidi said something so graphic and detailed about her husband’s genitals, it made our operator vomit so hard her soul came out of her esophagus.”

Former President Trump was not at home at the time, as he had been taken to McDonald’s for McNuggets and a playdate on the playground with Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. Heidi Cruz was told her call would be returned as soon as Trump decided she wasn’t too ugly to speak to.


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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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