Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Hillary Clinton’s Been Circling Matt Gaetz Home and Shouting ‘Lock Him Up!’

LAKE EPSTEIN, FLORIDA — Qongressman Matt Gaetz may be in for a rough time over the next several weeks, months, or years, and regardless of how his impending legal morass plays out, it appears that some of those who have been his political targets in the past are relishing his potential comeuppance.

“LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP,” the shouts were heard this morning by Gaetz’ Florida neighbors. “LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP!”

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A late model sedan, driven by an older white woman, was circling the block. The driver, once within earshot of Gaetz’ estate, would hang her head out of the window and scream at the top of her lungs for him to be locked up. By the time of publication, the woman had been circling for three solid hours.

“She’s got an electric car and she’s not traveling very far, so no worries about her running out of gas,” one eyewitness described the situation. “Although at some point she may have to plug her car in for a little bit to get enough juice in the battery to go back home or whatever.”

By about an hour into the episode, rumors around the neighborhood were that Gaetz’ troll was none other than former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. For much of her adult life, Ms. Clinton has been a repeated target of right-wing ire and the center of dozens of conspiracy theories regarding multiple crimes she’s allegedly committed. However, after exhaustive investigations, there has never been any evidence uncovered to prove the veracity of any of the claims made against her.

“LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP,” the woman kept shouting, moment after moment, minute after minute.

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On roughly her twentieth lap around Gaetz’ home, witnesses were able to positively identify Ms. Clinton as the driver.

“She told us her schedule’s pretty freed up at the moment, and she planned on spending a good portion of he day circling Matt’s house like this,” one neighbor told us.

Gaetz has defended himself against the allegations, alleging himself that he’s the victim of an extortion scheme. This is a developing story.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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