THE KINGDOM OF WASHINGTONSHIRE, MERRY OLD AMERICA-LAND — His Royal Majesty, The Grand Imperial President of America-Land has issued yet another royal decree. This decree, like so many of his recent declarations, is a reminder to his loyal subjects, and to his disloyal ones as well, that he has a “God given, absolute right” to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and that there are literally no laws that can or will stop him.
Earlier in the week, his Imperiously Micro-Handedness issued a decree via the social media network Twitter, a little used tool of the king, to announce his supremacy and declare himself above the law. Any laws.
As the President of the United States, I have an absolute right, perhaps even a duty, to investigate, or have investigated, CORRUPTION, and that would include asking, or suggesting, other Countries to help us out!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 4, 2019
His Excellency, the High Lord of Conspiracy Theories and Racist Breitbart Headlines, wasn’t completely satisfied with the tweeted, decree, however. According to several peons, plebs, and underlings who work in the Magic White Castle with him say that His Royal Highness was unnerved by impetuous, disrespectful, uncouth members of a governing body that is under the mistaken idea that they can hold him accountable. The king, in his infinite wisdom, wanted to remind those in his kingdom that the is the one who has all the power, not they.
“His Royal Majesty, the Grand Imperial President of America-Land, decrees on this day, and every day even if he doesn’t belch it out loud, that he is the ruler now, the ruler later, and the ruler forever,” the king’s ever present, slime covered sentient toad Stephen Miller shouted from the entrance of the Magic White Castle this afternoon. “And as such, he has royal powers that allow him to do what he wants to do. He has, by the order of God himself, who actually takes his orders from the king, believe it or not, that he has the absolute right to do anything he wants, whenever he wants.”
While he was already there, making royal decrees, Miller issued a few more that he said the King Himself had been wanting to issue, but was too busy “on the royal throne” to handle himself.
“While His Excellency drops a deuce in his most regal of potties,” Miller announced, “I have the distinct honor of shouting a few more decrees. We’ll start with this one. It is now a capital offense to deny your King a pussy grab. I must repeat — if your King, his highness, his most royal of royalties, decides it is your pussy he wants to grab, you must allow him. He’s a King, and they let you do it when you’re a king, but he will not hesitate to move on you like a bitch if you try to deny him his royal request.”
Miller wasn’t done quite yet. He had more decrees to issue.
“Also, the word ‘impeachment’ is hereby permanently banished from all the land. You cannot say it. On a related note, His Most High Imperial Highness is also permanently deleting the First Amendment from the so-called Constitution, which wasn’t doing a good enough job protecting our country from cucks and libtards and socialists anyway,” Miller yelled at anyone who would listen. “Other so-called ‘I’ words are also henceforth forbidden. That includes words like ‘idiot,’ ‘ignoramus,’ and ‘impossibly fucking stupid.’ The word ‘incest’ however, he will allow, and her royal highness Queen Ivanka has also given her royal seal of approval on that one.”
A lowly Senator by the name of Marco Rubio was spotted walking about the kingdom, and was asked by royal scribes to answer some questions about the king’s royal decree of omnipotence. Rubio, a man who has was already made a eunuch publicly by His Royal Highness the King President when he dubbed the Florida man “Little Marco,” said that he didn’t see what the big deal about the King declaring himself above any and all laws was. Sir Rubio the Dumb and Cowardly told the scribes he thought the King might have been joking.
“I’m not going to let myself get played anymore by this king. I’m not even sure it was a real decree. Might have been a joke,” Rubio suggested. “Yeah. That’s it. It was a joke. I’m definitely NOT a spineless turd, okay guys? I have to go cry now.”
Big, Dumb, Idiot Spends His Day As Most Powerful Idiot In The World Live-Tweeting His Own Impeachment
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.