LAKE STUPEDASS, FLORIDA — Former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton has reportedly been circling the congressional office on Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) for the past two hours, shouting at the top of her lungs for authorities to “lock him up!”
“I didn’t even know Hillary was in Florida, let alone here in town,” one Gaetz staffer told us on the condition of anonymity. “He’s not here, right now, though. I’m pretty sure she’s just doing this for show, but she’s definitely attracting a pretty large crowd out there.”
Today, Gaetz was one of many Republican lawmakers who stormed into a closed-door deposition of a high ranking state department official. The interview was being conducted by the House Intelligence Committee in connection with the impeachment investigation currently underway against President Donald J. Trump. Gaetz and his fellow Republicans have been complaining for a couple weeks now that they’re being shut out of hearings, even though it was confirmed today that about a dozen of the lawmakers who took part in the political theater at the capitol building this morning are in fact regularly invited to sit in on the interviews.
Adam Schiff, chairman of the committee, has said public hearings are not off the table.
“She showed up just after news broke that the congressman probably brought his phone into the SCIF,” the aide told us. “Of course, we tried to cover his ass, which is not easy at all, by saying he handed off his phone to another aide up in D.C., but, well, not many people seem to have believed that for some reason. Which is weird, because if you can trust anyone, it’s the party that tells you Donald Trump isn’t corrupt, Trickle Down works, and there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.”
Clinton was famously trolled all during the 2016 presidential campaign with chants of “Lock her up” at nearly every major campaign rally held by Trump. Mr. Trump, neither as a candidate, nor as a president, has ever done anything to stifle the chants. Instead, he seems to revel in it. Secretary Clinton was the subject of intense scrutiny during the Obama years, when Republicans held the majority in the House. After several million dollar investigations, and over 10 hours of testimony under oath, no charges for any alleged misdeeds have ever been brought against her.
“Lock him up! Lock him up,” Clinton could be heard shouting from her late model rental sedan. “Put him in the same cell as Paul Manafort. I hope Donald is okay with Matt sucking Paul off while he’s in the huscow! LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP!”
The chants about locking Clinton up stemmed from the insistence among most of Trump’s base that she violated federal law in the handling of emails sent to and from her office while an official cabinet member. The use of a personal email server was the heart of the scandal, though the FBI eventually cleared her of any criminal charges, stating that they didn’t see a corrupt intent in her decision to use the server. The decision was still roundly criticized, however.
Since taking office, public reporting has revealed that Trump himself uses a personal iPhone and that his First Lady conducts business for herself using government assets.
“That’s different though, because Ivanka is beautiful and hot and sexy,” Trump once told reporters while on the White House lawn, waiting for a helicopter ride. “You can’t hold sexy people accountable. That’s why this impeachment witch hunt is so bogus. On account of how sexy I am.”
Ms. Clinton could be heard shouting that if her use of a private email server warranted jail time, “breaking into a congressional hearing and recording things in a classified setting” should be as well.
“Lock him up! Lock him up! Hey, Matt, have another drink! Did you think the hearing room was the bar or something, Lushy,” Clinton could be heard screaming from her car window.
It’s unclear at this time when, or if, Secretary Clinton will drive away. Local authorities say that since she’s following all the posted traffic signs, she’s not guilty of anything they can force her to leave, or cite her for.
This story is developing.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.