Tuesday, August 3, 2021

Huckabee Sanders Defends Herself: “I Don’t Lie. I Tell Alternative Truths and Untrue Facts”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders is once again trying to repair her heavily damaged reputation in the wake of the redacted release of the Mueller Report.

Detailed in the report is the testimony that Huckabee Sanders gave FBI Special Counsel Robert Mueller regarding statemtents she made from the podium in the White House press briefing room. Specifically, the comments pertained to the firing of former FBI Director James Comey, and whether or not FBI agents had been contacting Huckabee Sanders to say they no longer had confidence in Mr. Comey. As it turns out, despite telling reporters on more than occasion that she had received numerous reports as such, Ms. Huckabee Sanders told Mueller’s team she had no basis for the claims, and that she had made them up.

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Some have called for her resignation, but this morning Press Secretary Sanders pushed back on those calls, and offered an explanation for her mendacity.

“Look, first of off, I don’t owe any Democrats, socialists, or libtards any apologies, okay? I don’t work for the American people, I work for the American people who voted for Donald Trump,” Huckabee Sanders said, shoveling a nacho cheese covered chunk of beef jerky into her mouth as she spoke. “I mean, even the libtards gotta pay taxes and those taxes pay my salary, but that don’t mean nothin’, okay?”

Swallowing the beef jerky and moving on to dipping a McDonald’s Big Mac into the nacho cheese, Sanders continued.

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“Second of off, I don’t appreciate being called a liar by people who can’t even tell the truth about Barack Obama’s secret Sharia Voodoo fully exonerating coup run by Bob Mueller and his 23,000 Angry Democrat team,” Huckabee Sanders said, devouring the Big Mac in four bites. “That’s just rude, y’all.”

After throwing the Big Mac box on the ground, Huckabee continued.

“The bottom line here is that I don’t lie,” Huckabee Sanders explained.

The press pool immediately broke out into uproarious laughter.

“I tell alternative truth and untrue facts,” Press Secretary Sanders pushed on, ignoring the laughter. “That’s all it is. Alternative truth and untrue facts. Kellyanne told you all about alternative facts, and I’m just taking those to the next, logical level.”

Before heading into the White House, Huckabee made a few pronouncements and other statements.

“Okay, so before I go and not earn my paycheck for the day, let me also take this time to announce several real, very true things,” Huckabee said. “Climate change is a Chinese hoax. There were seventeen gunmen on the grassy knoll. Six plus two equals ‘fart sandwich.’ Donald Trump has a totally normal penis in every way imaginable. Thank you, and God bless America…except the libtards.”

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook and Instagram, but not Twitter because he has a potty mouth.

James’ newest satirical compilation is out now and available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and soon at WalMart.com.

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