PIG SLOP CROTCH, ARKANSAS — Former White House Propaganda Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders has been back at home in her home state, enjoying the “slower, simpler life” that not being an employee of the President of the United States affords one. Huckabee Sanders recently told a reporter from a right-wing conspiracy theory blog that she’s “mostly just been eating at home” these days, but not because she’s afraid of being confronted in public.
“I just feel like once you get back to meals out of your own trough, you don’t give that up again for just any meal out,” Huckabee Sanders said.
As good as she’s felt to be home, however, Ms. Huckabee Sanders says that there’s one issue that’s weighed so heavily on her heart and mind that she decided to do something about it, and start a charity to address the situation.
“As I’ve grown used to having less time for lying and more time for lying around the house, the full weight of losing my childhood belfry earlier this year really started to hit home,” Huckabee Sanders told Guns, Gravy, Ammo, and White Nationalism Monthly. “A lot of people didn’t know I grew up in France, but it’s true. I spent my years as a young hunchback there, really honing my craft as a skilled liar and perfecting my lazy eyed stare.”
Ms. Huckabee Sanders was of course referring to the conflagration this past spring of the Notre Dame cathedral in Paris, France. At the time, not many were aware of the fact that Notre Dame was Ms. Huckabee Sanders’ home belfry. But soon after the fires were put out, she announced to the world how heartbroken she was while watching the flames engulf the historic spire.
“It was easily one of the hardest moments of my life. So much harder than finding ways to make kidnapping brown babies, or equivocating for Nazis, sound not so bad, that’s for sure,” Huckabee Sanders said. “I mean, lied multiple times every single day for like two years, and never felt the sadness about it that I felt watching the place I called my sanctuary…SANCTURAY!…for years and years…go up in smoke.”
In order to help facilitate a faster rebuilding time for the cathedral, Huckabee Sanders says she started her own charity. According to her, Ms. Sanders modeled her charity off the “bigly successful and famous” charities run by her former boss, President Donald Trump.
“First thing I did was make sure it has my name on it. Then I made sure that I can dip into it at any time I want to, legal or not,” Sanders said. “Whatever is leftover after I take my family to Cracker Barrel and the Waffle House a few dozen times, we’ll put in a box marked, ‘For the French Church,’ and then that’ll be what we use to help rebuild it. I can’t wait to revisit my childhood home once it’s been restored to its former glory.”
President Trump told reporters he was “delighted” to hear the news about Huckabee Sanders’ new charity.
“No one liked that Notorious Damn church like I did. Truly. The French President Guy told me that,” Trump told reporters in the Oval Office today, “He told me, ‘Sir, not only is your penis totally normal in every way, you are the one human being on this planet who truly loved and respected that church of ours. Everyone else was bullshit compared to you.'”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”