WASHINGTON, D.C. — During most of the Obama administration, there was one man who was dedicated to making sure very burp, fart, and sneeze reported from the White House was investigated for corruption and criminal activity. That man’s name was Rep. Darrell “I Like Fire” Issa (Q-CA), and he was the chairman of the House Oversight committee when it investigated all manner of scandals that America’s right-wing knew deep down in their feelings were true, regardless of so-called “facts” and “reality” dictating something different.
Issa left congress in 2018 and gave America a two year break from his dogged pursuit of pretend Democratic malfeasance. Now, he’s back, and although his party doesn’t control the House, or its investigatory agencies, Issa is pushing publicly for what he’s called a “full-blown” investigation into the “greatest scandal of any administration ever.”
“What I want to know is why liberals, in collaboration and concert with the Biden administration, and the leftist media, canceled Mr. Potato Head’s perfectly acceptable potato penis,” Issa told reporters at a media stakeout this morning. “If you ask me, and this is clearly a cover-up of some kind. They’re hiding something, and I have my theories as to what they’re hiding.”
In Issa’s mind, or at least what he refers to as his mind (while scientists call it a “bucket of shit on top of two human shoulders), it’s “extremely obvious” what the Potato Head controversy is all about.
“Benghazi. It’s all about Benghazi. It’s always been about Benghazi,” Issa insisted. “The Civil War? Benghazi. 9/11? Benghazi. Every single thing wrong with America relates to the Democrats, and all goes back to Benghazi.”
Issa isn’t alone, either.
“Oh yes, I was just hitting my glass dick super hard and the crack helped me realize that Congressman Issa is right on the money,” freshman Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene told reporters while smoking even more crack. “I think this is what Q was trying to tell us all, too. That it all comes back to Benghazi. I agree with Darrell. We need to spend lots of time and money figuring out if MISTER Potato Head was made a eunuch to cover up for Hillary Clinton!”
If you want my satire completely ad-free, just sign up for my Patreon at any level.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.