WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite the best efforts of The Failing New York Times, the full and complete identity of the whistleblower whose complaint against President Donald Trump has led to an open, official impeachment investigation in the House of Representatives, is still unknown. In fact, because of potential threats on their life, the whistleblower has been taken into federal protective custody.
Even though there are laws specifically forbidding the divulging, exposing, or intimidation of whistleblowers, President Donald Trump has used his Twitter account to do exactly those things. Mr. Trump has launched several verbal salvos at the whistleblower themselves, but also at everyone involved in the report. Trump has claimed this is just the latest saga in what he calls a “witch hunt” against him, while others more familiar with how the English language works would call it “legal, lawful, and Constitutionally mandated oversight.”
“This sets a very dangerous precedent,” White House adviser and former State Rep. Tom Thompaulsen told reporters today. “We don’t even know what the Democrats have read that make them think their powers are equal to Dear President’s, but we are willing to take this fight all the way to the Burrito Supreme Court if we have to. We’re smart, okay! It might look like we’re a bunch of criminally inept, bungling morons, but that’s only if you believe what you see and hear! WE ARE SMART GODDAMN IT AND WE WILL COME OUT ON TOP OF THIS!”
Thompaulsen spent the rest of the day crying, according to several sources.
While the country is still waiting to find out who Trump’s whistleblower is, another one of his blowers has been outed and their identity confirmed.
“Yes, it’s me. What can I say? Around here, they call me the Thistle Blower,” First Lady Ivanka Trump told media representatives as she walked into the White House. “They’ve called me that since the first day Presi-Daddy was in office, though, so I don’t think it has to do with this whole impeachment thingy, though. I could be wrong, though. People are always telling me how I wrong I am, but thankfully all my money, power, and complicit abuse of Presi-Daddy’s power drowns out the cries of the plebs.”
Ms. Trump was long suspected to be The Thistle Blower, but very few sources outside a tight inner circle around the president knew for sure. Shortly after Ivanka told the reporters she was indeed the Thistle Blower, White House chief racism adviser Stephen Miller confirmed the details as he snacked on the souls of brown babies kidnapped on the southern border and put into cages. Miller had the army corps of engineers design a device that extracts the souls of brown babies through their tears and cries for help.
“Yeah, she’s the Thistle Blower alright,” Miller confirmed. “We were going to go with calling her Deep Throat, but that name’s already been used, I guess. To say nothing of how inaccurate it is, because you can’t deep throat a toadstool. So we’re going with The Thistle Blower instead.”
Miller asserted, however, that even though Trump possesses merely a thistle in his trousers, it is a “thistle the likes of which the world has never seen before.”
“It’s a thistle, sure. But let me just say this to both the American public, and the un-American liberal mongrels threatening our good, clean, white God emperor,” Miller said. “What it lacks in girth, length, effectiveness, and normal shape, it’s also smelly and kind of gross to be in the same room with because you can smell it through his pants and his disgusting underwear. But the point is, despite all that, it’s a glorious thistle, and frankly it’s a thistle the likes of which the world has never seen before. It’s an honor to work with his thistle every day of my meaningless, loveless life.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.