Monday, March 8, 2021
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Ivanka Really Not Looking Forward to Sleeping Her Way to the Top of the Trump Organization Again

WASHINGTON, D.C. — People in her orbit are telling media sources that First Lady Ivanka Trump is panicked and quite unhappy about the fact that her father lost the election to Joe Biden. Ms. Trump is reportedly “beside herself” at the notion that she will have to leave her job in government that President Daddy gave her/she totally earned all on her own and return to work for him in his pyramid schemes.

“What Ivanka is really not looking forward to is having to sleep her way to the top of the Trump organization again,” our source told us. “She feels like she’s already done that, and starting from the bottom rung again is really going to bum her out. By the way, ‘bottom rung’ is what Trump calls his asshole.”

MORE: Trump Campaign Sues America

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Ms. Trump spent years pretending to earn her positions in the Trump Organization prior to joining her father in the nation’s capital when he became president four years ago. To do so, Ivanka had to surrender her position and she’s been told by her father that he will not give her special treatment if she returns to his crime syndicate. Ivanka will be “required to start at the bottom and her work way up to the top, making sure not to miss a single spot and to really work the shaft,” our source said.

“It’s hard to say how long it will take Ivanka to get back to the place of stature she had before her dad was sworn into office,” our source explained, “so she knows it could be a really exhausting time, and her wrists and mouth might really be worn out when it’s all said and done. Then again, it’s Ivanka, and despite what he told her, we all know that Trump literally can’t control himself with her, and always gives her special treatment.”

Apparently, her return to their company is making Ivanka’s brothers Eric and Donald Jr. nervous.

“Don Jr and Eric have been playing office for the last four years, and have built quite a sizable fort out of copy paper boxes,” our source said. “They’re worried that when Daddy’s favorite shows up to work, she’ll make them take down the fort. They’re also worried she and her dad will have more four-hour lunch breaks behind closed doors, with loud music blaring and they won’t get to spend time with him as much, but that remains to be seen.”

ALSO: Votes and Math Really Starting to Piss Donald Trump Off

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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