BALTIMORE, MARYLAND — Former National Security Adviser John Bolton is reportedly in stable condition today, having been released from a local hospital in his hometown, without doctors identifying any serious health conditions. Mr. Bolton apparently had checked himself in last night, telling hospital staff he felt “doozy,” “light headed” and “unable to get a good, deep breath.”
“As best as we can tell, Mr. Bolton was having one of the biggest panic attacks this hospital has ever seen,” Dr. Bunson Hornaydieux, chief resident at Our Lady of the Warmongers Hospital in Maryland told reporters. “Finding out he has a moral compass after all put Mr. Bolton into such a state of shock, it felt to him like he was leaving his body. He complained of not feeling like himself, literally. But none of the battery of tests we ran on him revealed anything to us.”
In order to get Mr. Bolton’s panic attack to subside, doctors and nurses put Bolton on a steady regimen of U.S. defense department nuclear test footage, from the World War II era. Sources say Bolton’s dosage of war time footage needed to be upped to include footage of the Vietnam War. When that didn’t quite pull Bolton out of whatever it was causing his panic attack, doctores resorted to showing Bolton footage of dead Iraqi civilians who had been caught up in the crossfire during the Iraq War. That seemed to snap him right out of it, though the staff then had to flick his penis hard several times to rid him of his stubborn “war boner,” as medical journals call it.
“Wow. Thank God. And thank you guys, for snapping me out of it,” Bolton reportedly said as the panic attack started to subside. “I don’t know what happened. One moment, I’m in my living room, reading The New York Times article about me being so disgusted by something a Republican president was doing with our foreign policy that I told Fiona Hill to tell the White House lawyers about it, when a report about the article comes on my television.”
Bolton wiped tears from his eyes and took slow, deep breaths as he spoke.
“The reporter on the TV mentioned that I called what Mulvaney and Sondland were doing a ‘drug deal,’ and then, when the report was over, they threw it back to the studio to have a roundtable discussion about me,” Bolton admitted. “I was all set to be lambasted and have my love of war and conflict called out yet again, but instead, they were hailing me! They were telling me it was nice to see when someone, anyone, in the Trump administration has a moral compass. Hearing those words — ‘moral compass’ — associated with me triggered my panic attack something fierce.”
Former Ambassador Bolton has long been a proponent of a strong, hawkish defense policy. He has remained as steadfast a defender of the Iraq War as can be found. Mr. Bolton, before joining the Trump administration, was a frequent guest on various talk shows, always advocating for more and more aggression on the part of the U.S. military. Many have come to view him as the prototypical archetype of a neocon. Bolton told doctors this morning that he doesn’t even view himself as someone with that many ethical boundaries to his behavior and rhetoric.
“Believe me, everyone, I was just as shocked as the rest of you that I even had a conscience. I remember always hating that little Jiminy Cricket asshole in Pinocchio,” Bolton divulged. “But apparently I do have limits to how much I’m willing to excuse! It was just as much a shock to me, everyone, I promise.”
Bolton assured the public as he left the hospital and held an impromptu press conference that he was the “same ol’ lovable war mongering curmudgeon” Americans had come to know over the years.
“Sure, I suddenly have some kind of moral compass,” Bolton admitted, “but don’t worry! I’m the same ol’ lovable war mongering curmudgeon. For instance, I’m not really caring too much about the dead Kurds in Syria. See? Sam ol’ Bloodthirsty Bolton. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go sleep off this sudden bout of scruples.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.