Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Jesus Says It’s Okay to Pray That Trump Dies Before 2024

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Americans who find themselves praying that former President Donald J. Trump dies before he can run for re-enter the political arena and run for office again are not running afoul of Jesus Hubert Christ or his father Larry “God” Schumway, according to a new interview Christ did over the weekend.

“For starters, I believe in freedom of speech, which includes freedom of prayer,” Jesus told Deities Weekly. “Secondly, if I don’t care about all the people praying to take their cancers away, why would I care if I pray for Trump to go away?”


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Jesus said that he gets “literally millions of prayers” from MAGA country every month begging him to smite liberals, and all he does is send them to his Outlook recycle bin. Perhaps, Christ admitted, that praying to have his dad smite someone “isn’t very couth or civilized,” but he doesn’t see any problem with “counter-praying,” and in fact sympathizes with American Christians who aren’t Trump supporters.

“I mean, you don’t even have to be a Trump supporting Christian to be a Republican. I don’t know if the Republicans know that, of course,” Jesus explained, “but it’s true. So I get tons of prayer-mails every single day from American Christian Republicans asking me to call Donald home. It’s like when a pizza company fires its CEO for being caught using the N-word. You gotta protect your brand, you know?”

While Jesus said he doesn’t blame people for praying that Trump dies, and won’t punish anyone for doing it, he also won’t ever act on those requests.

“Well, I mean, killing people because I get a lot of requests to do it isn’t really a Jesus-y thing to do, and Dad doesn’t have quite the Old Testament streak he used to have,” Christ said. “But, really, even if we were in the smiting game again, we probably would let Don die of whatever grease-laden natural causes he has in store for himself. I couldn’t inflict him on anyone by calling him home early; not even Satan.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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