WASHINGTON, D.C. — During a fiery, hotly contested hearing of the House Judiciary Committee, Congressman Jim Jordan gave a full-throated, emotional defense of Attorney General William Barr.
It was the first time since his Senate confirmation that Attorney General Barr has appeared before a House committee. In his opening statement, Chairman Jerry Nadler — a Democratic congressman from New Jersey — blistered Barr with criticisms of his tenure. Nadler assailed Barr for his role in the Mueller report’s findings, the handling of the border crisis, spreading misinformation about mail-in voting, and using tear gas on peaceful protesters ahead of a presidential photo-op.
“You’re here this morning, Mr. Barr, because my Democrat colleagues don’t like your courage, sir,” Jordan told Barr at one point in the hearing. “You have courage that none of them have! You have the courage to wake up every day and commit yourself to licking every single square inch of the president’s genitals and rectum. That’s because you know better than any of these Democratic cucks how vital it is to the country that the president never, ever have his feelings hurt!”
Barr — who took over as Attorney General from Jeff Sessions — has managed to put himself squarely in the president’s inner circle by helping him craft legal defenses for actions he’s taken. Barr made his first big splash as AG when he wrote a short summary of the Mueller Report in which he framed the report in a light as complimentary and helpful to the president as possible. Many believe Barr intentionally helped muddle the report’s findings in the minds of the president’s bas. Though Barr noted that the report didn’t specifically “exonerate” the president, it also didn’t find any evidence of collusion — which is not what Mueller’s report says at all.
“You had the guts, Mr. Barr,” Jordan howled at another point in the hearing, “to tell the president what he wants to hear, when he wants to hear it! You are the only one who is brave enough to give the president his binky, tuck him in at night, and tell him to sleep tight while you protect him from the mean Constitution and all its laws and accountability!”
Congressman Jordan, jacketless and sweaty, took a thirty second long inhale, and continued.
“In fact, you know what the real issue is, don’t you, Attorney General Barr? The real issue is that Black Guy McDemocrat face did his job,” Jordan screamed. “He did his job! He saw a mobbed-up, reality-TV conman with deep ties to Russia inviting and getting help from Russia and he let the intelligence community do their jobs, thereby doing his job, and that makes me very, very, very cranky!”
Jordan hurled his toys across the room and crossed his arms for a moment. When he felt he had calmed down enough to speak again, Jordan once more complimented Barr.
“You know what? You know the-fuck what? I’ve had it! I have absolutely had it,” Jordan said, putting on a blindfold as someone showed him a video of a wrestler getting molested by their coach, “and I’m gonna just say it, flat-out. Bill Barr was the only one with the courage to suck Trump off and make him king.”
Congressman Jordan blasted Democrats for “not understanding how strong” Barr had to be in order to help the president “consolidate power and trample the rule of law.”
“It’s one thing to suck the president off. A lot of us do this all the time,” Jordan said, “but in this country to also have the outright gall, and I’ll say it, the BALLS, to anoint the president a king in the country that literally fought a war to overthrow a king? Well, I dare say I think you should end up on the one dollar bill one day, Mr. Barr. I love you. Can I hold you? Can we just…go over there for a minute and hold each other tightly, while we sway to the music?”
Barr and Jordan were still slow dancing with each other at the time of publication.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.