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Thursday, September 21, 2023

John Kelly Says World War II Preventable If Allies Compromised More With Hitler

CHAMBERLAIN, VIRGINIA — This morning, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly was addressing a classroom of high school history students in a town not far from the nation’s capital when he told them something they may never have heard before, and may never hear again.

“World War II was completely avoidable,” Kelly said, “and all it would have taken was just a little more compromise with Hitler.”

Kelly said “give and take” is the only way for two or more people who may have a “minor quibble” see more eye to eye, and perhaps work through and over their differences.

“A minor quibble like slavery or genocide shouldn’t be what good, honorable men fight over,” Kelly told the students, “and we all know what our Dear President said is true, there are good people on all sides. So if the allies had just been more willing to appease Hitler with a little taste of what he wanted, maybe they could have gotten what they wanted.”

The class’s teacher, seemed to want to cut Kelly off at this point.

“Well, sir, if we open our textbooks to page 215,” the teacher suggested, “we can read about Hitler and Munich and…”

Kelly cut the woman off. He kept right on speaking, no matter how hard she tried to steer the class back to the text. Mr. Kelly told students that “rigid and dogmatic views of historical figures” weren’t fair to the historical figures themselves.

“I mean, so what if someone chose to, say, fight against their own countrymen for the right own black people as property,” Kelly asked, “or if they, in Hitler’s case oversaw the massacre of millions of people? I’m sure Hitler also had some very admirable qualities, like he could do really big math problems in his head or something, you know? Would it have killed the world to have more nuance about him?”

General Kelly warned Americans to guard against “becoming too enthralled with one side of the story or the other.”

“You know a lot of people root against Darth Vader and the Emperor when they watch Star Wars,” Kelly said, “but who’s to say all those youngling Jedi wouldn’t have turned out to be socialist cucks? And the Death Star might have been a tool off galactic genocide, sure, but not every Stormtrooper on the Death Star wanted to blow up Alderaan, right?”

The White House did not comment on this story.

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmannhttp://facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.
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