Super-Liberal Can’t Support First Multiracial Female VP Candidate With Identical Voting Record as Bernie Sanders

LOS IDEALOGAS PURISTAS, CALIFORNIA — 42 year old Shaun Martino considers himself “the most progressive person” he knows.

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“I mean that, too, by the way. I don’t care who I’m talking to, I always somehow find myself being the most purely progressive person in the room,” Martino told us in a recent Skype interview. “I’m not saying it’s a pissing contest with me, but if it were, I would have the thickest, hardest, farthest stream out of any other so-called progressive out there.”

Martino is so progressive he often times finds himself not actually voting for progress in America because “it doesn’t ever go far enough.” He didn’t vote for Barack Obama — the first black president in a country formed on a continent that saw centuries of slavery, and another century of legally codified bigotry after that — because Obama didn’t promise to send bank executives to the guillotines for their role in the 2008 financial meltdown.

“I mean that, by the way. Literal guillotines. It was the only just and proper punishment, and the fact is that neoliberal shill Obama never once agreed to let us behead a single fucking one,” Martino opined. “So, no, I didn’t find myself voting for the first black president because he wasn’t nearly up to my own personal, very high standards of progressivism. That’s my right, by the way, in case anyone asks, to actually stand in the way of progress in the name of progress.”

It’s no surprise to him that Shaun will once more not be supporting the Democratic Party’s candidate for the presidency. Because as much as he knows Donald Trump has “destroyed this country’s institutions and ruined so much” in his four years in office thus far, it would be a “crime against [his] values, morals, and beliefs to vote for a human, flawed candidate” like Joe Biden, who he says “isn’t near progressive enough,” and even the thought of voting for a ticket with Sen. Kamala Harris — who would become the first female, black, and Asian vice president respectively — isn’t convincing enough for him to make even a small compromise.

“Quite honestly I’d rather have sixteen years of Trump and white supremacy than have to vote for someone who doesn’t parrot my exact political philosophy,” Martino said. “Americans are so simple minded. They don’t understand how much more liberal other countries’ left-wing is, so I’d rather my country get no progress at all if it means we can’t have as much as progress as other countries have right away, know what I mean?”

Even the fact that Senator Harris’ voting record in the Senate is nearly identical to his favorite candidate of all time, Shaun says “that’s not good enough.”

“Bernie was different, because Bernie’s not a cop,” Shaun said before devolving into repeating it over and over for a few minutes, “KAMALA IS A COP! KAMALA IS A COP!”

A couple of years ago, Martino wrote a letter to the Democratic National Committee — though he’s never actually belonged to the party — and volunteered to write the party’s platform for them. He also told the DNC he’d “gladly pick every candidate for every office” for them. Only his “moral clarity and pure progressive values” could be trusted to find the right people for the various elected offices in the country.

“It’s just so easy, if you ask me. Put me in charge,” Shaun said. “I already know everything, and I won’t allow people to choose Vice Presidents who are imperfect. I don’t think personal growth and redemption is as good in a person as blind, sycophantic devotion to ideological purity.”

The DNC did not respond to Martino’s letter.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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