WASHINGTON, D.C. — Authorities in the nation’s capital are reporting that soon-to-be former White House aide Kellyanne Conway is “shaken up but will survive without complications” after she was pulled from a raging dumpster fire she says she jumped into out of an “overwhelming feeling of nostalgia.”
“Just after lunchtime this afternoon, we received a call that someone had just jumped head-first into a massive dumpster fire,” D.C. Police spokesperson Chad McDonald told reporters. “We responded as quickly as we could. Luckily, in this town when you’re that close to the White House, you’re never far from fire or police help.”
Upon arriving on the scene, firefighters and police officers found Conway in the dumpster, which indeed had its contents set ablaze. Within moments, the firefighters had pulled Ms. Conway out of the dumpster fire, ensuring the flames were completely out. Curiously, at first Conway berated the firefighters.
“How dare you do that? That dumpster fire is my job, sir,” Conway was heard shouting, “and more importantly, it’s YOUR president. Show some respect!”
For a few minutes, the authorities on the scene talked to Conway, attempting to convince her that she’d just jumped into a literal dumpster fire, and not a metaphorical one.
“Excuse me? You’re talking to the woman who discovered Obama’s spy-crowave coup,” Conway insisted. “I think I’m the one best suited to know when I’m still in the White House and when I’m in a literal dumpster full of fire! You owe me an apology sir, and frankly I should have Billy Barr arrest the hell out of you right now!”
After another twenty minutes and a martini shaker full of gin dumped down her throat, Conway came to. The booze somehow got her brain cells firing again, and she remembered now, why she was in the dumpster in the first place.
“You know what? I owe you all an apology. I remember now,” Conway said. “I was walking down the street here, and I saw a fire in the dumpster, and I guess I just caught a case of nostalgia. The next thing I knew, I was jumping into the dumpster once more for old times’ sake. Thank you for pulling me out! It’s nice to know it’s only my daughter that can pull me out of a dumpster fire.”
Though no formal replacement has been named yet, Conway told reporters on the scene that she believes the president has narrowed down his list of choices for people to fill her shoes to a “select few.”
“For the most part, they’re looking into whether they can invent some kind of Jurassic Park technology and bring back Joe Goebbels from the dead,” Conway divulged, “but I’ve heard they may just break into a middle school science class, take the skeleton, slap a pile of broom bristles on it, and call it a day. I’m excited to see who steps into my shoes, no matter which white supremacist lying bitch that is.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.