WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Trump’s Sphincter) lashed out at Senate Democrats just moments ago, accusing them of “playing politics” at a dangerous time in American history when, McCarthy argues, “corporate CEO bonuses” are “hanging in the balance.”
“I think Democrats should be incredibly embarrassed right now. Their disgusting attempts to impeach the president simply because he wanted to turn our elections into a race to see who could get the most dirt from foreign governments possible distracted him so much he couldn’t get ahead of the coronavirus fast enough,” McCarthy lambasted Congressional Democrats on Chip Chatterly’s talk radio show this morning. “Now, they’re blocking a vital $500 billion slush fund for the president and his richest friends. It’s just mind boggling that people keep electing them!”
McConnell: “How Dare Democrats Play Games With The Republicans’ Corporate Slush Fund In Times Like These?!”
McCarthy urged Americans to flood the phone lines and social media accounts of congressional Democrats and demand they “value corporate greed as the founders intended them to.”
“The took a solemn oath when they took office to protect and defend the Constitution,” McCarthy said, “and we all know the Constitution is owned by a consortium of the most profitable Fortune 500 corporations in America. Those corporate sponsorships entitle them to certain benefits. One important benefit is that they get to have a slush fund whenever they want to have a slush fund. So, we all have to ask the Democrats a very simple question — why do they hate America? Only America haters don’t want the president to personally profit from a congressional bailout.”
McCarthy’s comments came on the heels of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell taking to the Senate floor to blast Democrats for not supporting the aid package presented by Senate Republicans. An emotional McConnell dabbed tears from his eyes with a lump of coal and asked, “How dare the Democrats play games with the Republicans’ corporate slush fund in times like these?!” Senate Democrats have defeated two attempts by McConnell to get a vote to the Senate floor on the GOP’s preferred coronavirus relief aid package.
“I suppose that I’m a simpler man from a simpler time. I remember in this country when giving already rich white men a half-trillion dollar piggy bank to play with would have meant a ticker tape parade,” McConnell said at one point during his speech. (Alternative Facts)
Rep. McCarthy told Chatterly he “wholeheartedly agrees” with McConnell’s criticism of the Democrats.
“It’s just sad. Here we are in the middle of a pandemic, and these people want to quibble over half a trillion dollar slush fund with no oversight that could very easily be used to enrich our Dear President,” McCarthy said. “I’ve been in D.C. a long time, and this is just partisan politics at worst. If we can’t help the people who have more money than God in a crisis like this, are we even living in America anymore, Chip? I daresay I don’t want the answer to that question.”
While McConnell and McCarthy blasted Democrats in the media and from the Senate floor, a prominent Republican announced he was undergoing new, experimental treatment after testing positive for the coronavirus late last week. Sen. Rand Paul (R-The Kremlin) told everyone via his spokespeople today that doctors would begin to treat his condition “using bootstraps, thoughts, and prayers.” Sen. Paul said that he is “delighted and excited” to try the treatment which “aligns with [his] ideology so well.”
“Good, clean, ammo hoarding, non-pigmented American Christian patriots know the fastest way to fix any problem you face is by pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. They also understand how powerfully potent their thoughts and prayers have been, seeing how well they’ve stopped school shootings and abated the coronavirus thus far.” (Political Garbage Chute)
Medical experts are hoping Americans can shelter in place and self-quarantine at least until the end of March, in an effort to drastically halt the spread of the COVID-19 virus.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.